Infinity
by freudianslip87
Summary: Sequel to "I Me You I'm Your." Read that first to understand. Lisbon and Jane are finally together and are ready for a happily-ever-after. Will they get it or is more in store for these two?
1. Sea of Love

**A/N: Hey there! Thanks to all who read my story **_**I Me You I'm Your.**_** This is a sequel to that one and won't make sense if you haven't read it. It picks up almost right where**_** IMYIY**_** left off. Thanks for reading!**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, it still isn't mine. Story title is a song by Merrick. Chapter title and lyrics by Cat Power**

**Xxx**

Chapter One: Sea of Love

xxx

_Come with me _

_My love_

_To the sea_

_The sea of love_

_xxx_

"Stay home today."

Lisbon rolls her eyes and tugs from Jane's grasp. "I can't. I have to _work._ Remember what that is?"

"I work," he huffs. "Just because I'm not _obsessed_ with my job like you…"

She kisses him firmly (she's found it to be an _excellent_ silencer). "I'll be home around six unless we catch a case."

"You'd better," he says. "After all you have this _sexy_ fiancé to come home to…"

_Fiancé._ She's been reminding herself (continually…) over the past thirty-six hours that she's _engaged._ As in diamond ring on her finger engaged. To be _married._ To _Patrick Jane._

"Sexy fiancé?" she echoes. "Who could that be?" Laughing at his pout, she scampers to grab her purse. "I'll see you tonight. Stay out of trouble."

"Always do," he teases. She rolls her eyes and ducks out the door.

A part of her would like to stay home with him (and never leave) but another part is eager to get to work. She's fairly sure she'll always be a bit of a workaholic, no matter _who_ she is engaged to. Solving crimes is what she _does._

She's paused at a stoplight halfway to the office when her phone trills. She can't stop the smile that tugs at her lips when she sees it's a text from Jane.

_I'll miss you today. Catch some criminals for me._

She chuckles, knowing it's his way of assuring her he's not actually mad at her for going to work. It's how they operate—gentle teasing that they're careful to keep within set limits. They're both scarred from the past and are conscious of never overstepping.

_I'll do my best. See you tonight,_ she texts him back at the next night (no driving and texting for her).

When she gets to the office, she's not entirely surprised to find van Pelt already there, booting up her computer.

"Hey, boss," the younger agent greets cheerily. "How was your weekend?"

Seeing the opportunity to toy with her friend, Lisbon shrugs noncommittally. "It was fun," she says. "Relaxing."

"Oh." If she's not mistaken, there's _disappointment_ in Grace's expression. "Did anything special happen?"

"Nope," Lisbon lies. She isn't normally the giggle and share type, but she doubts she can hold back much longer. "So," she says with elaborate casualness, "I wanted to ask you something."

Grace crosses her arms. "Sure," she says.

Lisbon (_barely)_ manages to hide her smile. "I was wondering," she says slowly, "how you'd feel about being the maid of honor in my wedding." Her voice cracks slightly on the word _wedding_ and she can't hold back her grin.

Grace's face lights up. "Oh my god!" she shrieks, clapping her hands. "You said yes!"

"You _knew!_" Lisbon accuses, astonished. Grace laughs.

"Jane told us he was going to ask," she admits. "He wanted to know what we thought."

"All of you?" Lisbon asks. "You _all_ knew?"_ (Good god, what if she said no?)_

"Me and Rigsby and Cho," Grace confirms. "We all told him to go for it and I helped pick out the ring." She is positively beaming. "_Congratulations_, Lisbon," she says.

Lisbon laughs and lets the younger woman wrap her in a tight hug. "Thanks," she says as she pulls away. "So. What's your answer?"

"To what?"

"Maid of honor," Lisbon reminds her. "I asked you to be my maid of honor."

"Oh. That." Grace grabs her hands and squeezes tightly. "I'd be _honored._" Laughing, she hugs Lisbon again. "I'm _so_ happy for you."

"Thanks," Lisbon says sincerely. It's good to have her friends happy for her, especially considering how (_ridiculously)_ happy she is for herself.

"So," Grace says. "Tell me about the proposal. Was it sweet? Did you cry?"

"Yes and yes," Lisbon admits, perching on Grace's desk to tell the story. She's just gotten to the part where the crowd cheered them when Hightower strolls in.

"Is this social hour?" she wants to know.

Grace (to Lisbon's shock) actually rolls her eyes slightly at their boss. "Lisbon and Jane are engaged," she says.

Hightower's eyebrows shoot up. "Congratulations," she says, actually cracking a smile.

"Thank you, ma'am," Lisbon responds as the elevator doors slide open and Rigsby and Cho stride in. Cho is as stone-faced as ever, listening as Rigsby chatters about his weekend. When they see Lisbon, however, they both stop.

"Uh, good weekend, boss?" Rigsby asks. His attempt at nonchalance fails pathetically and Lisbon bites back a laugh. Grace actually snorts.

"He asked," she tells the guys. "And she said yes."

Rigsby whoops loudly while Cho's face splits into the widest grin Lisbon's ever seen from him.

"Congratulations, boss," he says, walking over to give her a hug and a chaste kiss on the cheek. Rigsby isn't nearly as demure. He throws his arms around her and literally picks her up of the ground.

"Finally!" he declares as he sets her back down. "Congratulations!" He squeezes her shoulder affectionately and they all stand there, grinning at each other. They all jump slightly when Lisbon's phone rings.

"Lisbon," she answers crisply, all business.

Two minutes later, she's hanging up, address in hand.

"Let's go," she says. "There's been a murder."

They all begin gathering their things.

"Only you could go from discussing your engagement to dead bodies like that," Rigsby tells her. She shrugs, flashing a brief smile.

"What I can I say?" she teases. "It's a gift."

Xxx

It's after ten when she gets home that night. She managed to text Jane once to tell him she'd be late but otherwise they haven't been in contact all day.

She finds him on the couch, a book in his lap.

"I'm sorry," she says immediately. "I know I said I'd be home…"

He holds up his hand, cutting her off. "With the caveat about a case coming in," he reminds her. "I'm not mad. Promise." He pats the couch cushion beside him and she sits, snuggling into his side.

"Did you have a good day?" she asks.

"Boring," he tells her. "How's the case?"

She shrugs. One nice thing about not working with him anymore is she can come home and just be free of murder and mayhem for awhile.

"Elementary school teacher," she says softly. "Killed in his home. His thirteen year old daughter found him. The mom walked out years ago so it was just the two of them."

He kisses her forehead. He can (almost) always sense when a case is getting to her and now is no exception.

"You'll solve it," he tells her. "You always do. Now. Have you eaten?"

She shakes her head. "We were busy all day."

"Let me make you something then," he urges. "Then we can go to bed. Okay?"

She sighs tiredly. She'd rather just crawl into bed but she doubts he'll go for that. (He's far too stubborn sometimes.)

"Fine," she agrees (albeit begrudgingly). She follows him to the kitchen where he scrambles her an egg (one of her favorite late-night dinners).

"Did you tell the team?" he asks while he works. She nods.

"They weren't all that surprised, if you can believe it," she teases. He laughs.

"I had to ask _someone's_ opinion. Were they excited?"

"Yup. Even Cho," she grins. "You'd think it was one of them getting married, they were so happy."

"Well, they're like your family, Lisbon," he says, setting a plate of eggs in front of her. "They love you." He grins cheekily. "And me, of course. I'm pretty loveable."

She recognizes an attempt to cheer her up when she sees one but she chuckles in spite of herself.

"Yeah," she agrees. "Totally loveable."

Xxx

**A/N 2: Short intro chapter for you. Hope you enjoyed! Review if you'd like, I love hearing from you.**


	2. It Means Nothing

**A/N: New chapter. Enjoy. It's a little angsty…**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Sad. Chapter title and lyrics by The Sterophonics**

Chapter 2: It Means Nothing

_Did we lose ourself again?_

_Did we take in what's been said?_

_xxx_

It takes nearly a week to solve the elementary school teacher case. It turns out that he accused another teacher of sexually abusing a student; the accusations resulted in the other teacher's firing. Apparently, the other teacher killed him as revenge.

"Poor guy," Rigsby says as they finish up the paperwork. "He was trying to do the right thing and look what happened to him."

They all nod wearily.

"Go home," Lisbon tells them. "Get some rest. I'll see you Monday." She knows _she's_ glad it is the weekend and she's sure they are, too. Sure enough, they all make a mad dash from the building, as though she might change her mind.

Laughing to herself, she gathers her things to head out as well. They really seem to think she's an ogre or something sometimes. It's rather fun, really. (_Tiny but fierce,_ Jane calls her.)

When she gets home, she finds him in the kitchen, standing over the stove and looking puzzled.

"What are you doing?" she asks, wrapping her arms around him from behind.

"Trying to make dinner but the sauce looks weird."

She leans around him to look. "That does not look edible," she informs him, wrinkling her nose. He's surprisingly useful in the kitchen but today is clearly an off day.

He sighs sadly. "Takeout?"

"Absolutely," she says, reaching for their pile of menus.

Half an hour later, they are settled on the couch, boxes of Thai food in hand.

"So," he says around a mouthful of noodles. "Do you have to work this weekend?"

She shakes her head. "Closed it," she tells him. "We're on call if there's another case they need us for but so far so good."

"Excellent. I have you to myself this weekend."

She wrinkles her nose. "Should I be scared?" she asks. He nods vigorously.

"Very," he says.

Xxx

When she wakes up one Saturday morning a few weeks later, she finds a note from Jane on his pillow (accompanied by his customary origami animal, of course) saying he's running errands but will be home around lunch.

She stretches, smiling to herself. She never used to enjoy lazy days at home but (she has to admit) they're more fun with Jane around. He certainly keeps things interesting and quiet time around the house is nicer with a companion.

She decides to take a run while she waits for him. (In spite of her best efforts, it's almost impossible to get him to exercise.) As she knots her hair into a ponytail, she pauses to admire her engagement ring. (She can't help it; it's so _pretty_ and _new…). _She never pegged herself as one of those girls going ga-ga over the ring, but she loves it.

As she sets out on her run, she sets aside all thoughts of murder, paperwork, and even Jane. It's one of her favorite things about running—she can just _be._ It's a nice morning, sunny and not overly warm yet, and she enjoys being outside.

When she gets home, she notes briefly that Jane's car is still absent (_where the hell is he?)_ before heading up to their apartment.

The door's unlocked (_odd…)_. Wishing she had her weapon, she pushes it open carefully.

"Hello?" she calls.

No answer. She makes her way into the living room. Her brother is sitting on the couch, waiting expectantly as though this is an everyday occurrence.

"Tommy?" Lisbon gasps, staring at her little brother. "What are you doing here?"

(_He's supposed to be in jail…)_

"Ran away," he says gruffly. "I couldn't stay in prison, Tessa. I _couldn't."_

She feels her knees literally grow weak beneath her and she sinks into a chair. "You _escaped_?" she asks incredulously.

Her little brother is a convict on the run. She's a _cop_ and her brother is an escaped felon (_dear god…_).

"You don't know what jail is like," he defends. "It's _hell._ And I've been getting these threats…"

"Threats?" she echoes numbly. Her protective older sister instinct starts to jump into gear but she shrugs it off (now is _not_ the time). "You're in prison for a reason, Tommy. Why did you come here?"

"I didn't know where else to go."

She rubs her forehead, hoping Jane won't come home any time soon. "I'm a cop," she reminds him. "I put criminals away. I _don't_ harbor fugitives. Even if it's you."

"You're my sister," he cries, anger and betrayal flashing in his eyes. She sighs raggedly.

"Did you rape that girl?" she wants to know. When he doesn't respond, she jumps to her feet. "Did you rape her?" she demands. He closes his eyes.

"Yes," he murmurs. "I raped her. And I know it was bad…"

"Bad?" she nearly shrieks. "Tommy!"

_Bad_ is shoplifting or vandalism or saying something mean. What Tommy did goes so far beyond _bad_ she can't even find a word for it.

"I know, I know. But she'll get over it. I _can't_ be in jail again, Tessa. I can't."

She's suddenly livid. She's beyond trying to control her temper. She doesn't like to fight with him but _damn it!_

"You deserve to be in jail," she seethes. "After what you did to that girl you deserve to be locked up." She is trembling. She knows this is her little brother and she loves him, but right now he disgusts her (she's afraid she might vomit). He's a rapist and he should rot in prison.

"Tessa," he tries to reason but her angry shout cuts him off.

"She won't get over it," she cries. "She'll move on, she'll get through it. But she'll _never_ get over it." She wants to shake him and hit him and ask him what right he had to hurt _anyone_, especially an innocent child. She has to sit down and clutch a pillow to her chest to keep from snapping.

"How do you know?" he demands. "How do you know she won't be fine?" He's furious now, too, his face red and contorted with rage.

He might be her baby brother but she's afraid of him. (_Where did that sweet little boy go? The one she used to read stories to and help with his homework. Where is he?)_

"I know you hate me," he continues. "I know you blame me for a lot of things. But can you stop judging me _for once?_"

"No," she says. Because she can't. She _wants_ to but she can't. "Do you remember," she says after a pause, "how when we were first in foster care and Jason and I were placed together?"

He nods, obviously startled by the apparent non-sequitur.

"It was a relief," she continues, "to be with him. It made it easier for him." She wraps her arms around herself, swallowing against the urge to vomit. "I was raped, Tommy. By my foster father. And I didn't tell because I wanted to be kept with Jason. We were moved eventually anyway, and separated, but I wanted to stay together as long as we could." She closes her eyes, not wanting to see his face. "So, no," she says quietly, "I can't stop judging you. You are my little brother and I love you. But I don't think I will _ever_ stop judging you."

He is silent. Several (_agonizing)_ minutes tick by. They don't even move until the front door opens, startling them. She sighs in frustration as Jane strides in. _Shit._

"Um, hi," he says to Tommy. "Teresa?" he asks her.

She clears her throat. "Tommy," she says, "this is Patrick, my fiancé. Patrick, this is my brother, Tommy."

"_Tommy_?" he echoes in disbelief.

She nods. "I'm sorry, Tommy," she says quietly, reaching for her cuffs. His eyes widen and he starts to bolt, but she's too quick. She pounces on him easily, securing the cuffs around his wrists (she always _could_ beat him at wrestling…).

"Tessa," he whispers. "_Please…"_

He sounds desperate. He's literally begging her, pleading with her to help him. But she _can't._

"I'm sorry," she repeats. "Patrick, call the police. Tell them I have a fugitive in custody."

xxx

**A/N: Sorry. I can't resist angst. It's a weakness, really.**


	3. Move Along

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Title and lyrics by the All American Rejects**

**xxx**

Chapter 3: Move Along

_When all you got to keep is strong_

_Move along, move along like I know you do_

_xxx_

While they wait for the cops to arrive, she cuffs her brother to her heavy coffee table. She hates how aware she is of her gun, ready to fire if he gets away.

He's her _brother_ but if he tries anything she'll have to shoot. Just like any other suspect.

"So you're engaged," he says.

She nods.

"Since when?"

"Last month." Her mouth is painfully dry and she feels sick to her stomach. She'd give anything to be having this conversation with him under normal circumstances. But nothing about this is normal and she can hardly breathe.

"That's cool. Congratulations."

"Thanks."

They fall silent. When the police arrive to take Tommy in, she's not surprised to see her team among them. Of course they'd be called in. Knowing Jane, he probably requested them. Or called them himself, even.

She steps aside numbly as Tommy's taken into custody.

Cho and Rigsby stand by Jane and all three watch Tommy intensely, as if daring him to try anything. Grace moves immediately to Lisbon's side and refuses to move.

"Tess," Tommy calls before he is lead away.

She makes herself meet his eyes (eyes that match her own…)

"I'm sorry," he says. She knows what he's referring to. "I'm sorry," he adds. "Damn it, Tessa. I'm _sorry._ I didn't know…If I'd known…"

"Not knowing doesn't make what you did right," she says. She can't back down, as much as she might want to. She can't let him off the hook.

He simply turns away, letting the cops lead him out the door. Once he is gone, Lisbon starts to cry, sinking to the floor.

"Damn it," she whispers. "Goddamn it." She presses a hand to her mouth in attempt to stifle her sobs, but it's no use. She can't stop crying.

Grace knees beside her and wraps her in a hug.

"I'm sorry," she murmurs. Lisbon returns the embrace, burying her face in Grace's shoulder.

"He's my brother," she says raggedly. "He's a criminal and he should be punished but goddamn it he's my brother."

She's vaguely aware of Jane, Cho, and Rigsby gathering around. Part of her wants to tell everyone to scram, to leave her alone. But another (slightly unfamiliar) part is desperate for them to stay.

They stay. Of course.

When she's finally stopped crying, she pulls away from Grace and looks around sheepishly.

"Sorry," she says thickly.

Jane kisses her forehead. "Don't apologize. That can't have been easy."

She shakes her head. Rigsby squeezes her hand.

"For what it's worth," he says, "you did the right thing."

Everyone nods in agreement.

"Boss?" Grace asks after a pause. "What did he mean about not knowing?"

Lisbon glances at Jane, who nods.

"You should tell them," he says quietly, squeezing her hand (tightly, _comfortingly_).

So she tells. She tells them everything, from trying to raise her brothers to what her foster father did to Tommy's crimes. She talks and talks and leaves nothing out.

When she's finished, they are staring at her.

"And now you know," she adds awkwardly. She can't believe she just _told_ them all of that. But it's out in the open now. She can't take it back.

Grace moves first, patting her arm.

"Thank you for being honest with us," she says. "I'm _sorry,_ boss."

"We'll keep it to ourselves," Rigsby adds.

Cho nods, agreeing with both of them. After a pause, he stands up.

"We should go," he says. Nodding, Rigsby and Grace follow suit.

"Thanks guys," Lisbon says. "Sorry you got called in on a Saturday."

Rigsby squeezes her shoulder. "Anytime," he says. "See you Monday."

Cho and Grace add their goodbyes and they are gone, leaving Lisbon and Jane alone. They haven't even moved off the floor but she crawls into his lap anyway.

"Well," she says. "You got to call the cops on your future brother in-law today. Fun, huh? You got to see what kind of crazy, messed up family you're marrying into."

She wants to joke, needs to joke, but he's having none of it. He wraps his arms around her and looks at her seriously.

"I practically invented crazy and messed up," he tells her. "And you're the only part of your family that matters to me. They could be terrorists. Or part of a cult. All that matters is I get to marry you."

Smiling, she rests her forehead on his. "What if I was in cult?" she teases. He laughs softly and drops his head to kiss her neck.

"I'd still marry you. But I'm kind of glad you're not in a cult."

"Hmm. What if I _wanted_ to be in one?"

He grazes a kiss along her jaw. "I'd help you start one."

It's her turn to laugh. "Would you, now? That would be interested." She laughs again, imagining the kind of cult he might come up with. "So," she says, changing the subject. "Where were you this morning?"

He grins. "Go sit on the couch and I'll show you," he says, removing her from his lap so he can stand. Curious, she obeys, watching as he dashes out of the room. When he returns he's holding a briefcase.

"You bought a briefcase?" she asks, wrinkling her nose. He disappears for strange reasons sometimes but a briefcase is so _boring._ And this one doesn't even look particularly nice or even _new._

He rolls his eyes. "No. I'm showing you what's _in_ the briefcase. Look." He sits beside her and snaps the briefcase open. "I went and looked at houses."

"Houses?" she echoes. (_Houses? As in single family residences? For them?)_

"Houses," he confirms. "Just looking. I picked out a couple I thought you might like. I mean, we can talk about it of course. I just wanted to see what was out there." He's bouncing in his seat like a child, eager to please.

She blinks at him. At least he didn't _buy_ one and surprise her with it. But…

"You want to move?" she asks. "We have a nice apartment."

"Oh, I know. But it's small. And we're getting married. We might have a family someday…" He trails off, looking anxious.

A family. She hasn't even really _thought _about it. In fact, she hasn't thought about having a family of her own since she was a kid herself.

"You mean kids?" she asks him.

"Sure. Maybe, I mean."

She gave up the idea of kids long ago. After attempting (and failing) to raise her brothers, she stopped dreaming of being a mother. It was too _hard_, and besides, she doesn't think she'd be very good at it. Jane (of course) seems to read her thoughts.

"Hey," he says. "You've had a rough day. And we have plenty of time to think about it. But kids or no kids, I'm serious about the house thing." He digs into the briefcase and pulls out some folders. "Check it out."

She opens one and pages through the pictures and literature. He looks at her expectantly.

"You know," she says, "if we had a house we could get a dog."

His face lights up. "A big dog?" he says hopefully. She nods.

"Definitely."

He kisses her forehead. "That means we'd need a yard," he says, reaching for another folder. "This one had a _big_ yard."

"Oh?" She pages through it. It is, she has to admit, nice. It's the kind of house she can see herself living in. "I like it," she tells him."

"I thought you would." He pulls her into his lap, clasping his arms around her waist. "It's just the right size. Lots of light. And a nice yard for our dog." He grins. "I think you'll especially like the _bedroom._"

She narrows her eyes at him. "Was that supposed to be some kind of come-on?" she asks. He shrugs innocently.

"Maybe. Is it working?"

"Not quite. You're going to have to try a little harder."

Knowing a challenge when he sees one, he kisses her deeply, sliding his hands under her shirt.

"Now?" he asks. She smiles (she's never been a flirt but it's so _easy_ with him).

"Maybe…You know I went for a run earlier and never got a shower. Care to help me with that?"

Grinning, he takes her hand. "On one condition," he says.

"Oh?"

He kisses her again, toying with the waistband of her shorts.

"We check out the bedroom next."

Xxx

**A/N: So it was a little angsty at first but you got some Jisbon fluff. I'll take votes on what kind of dog they should get :)**


	4. Where Does the Good Go?

**A/N: Sorry for the wait. I was having some writer's block trying to figure out where I wanted this story to go. Hope you're still with me.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Title and lyrics by Tegan and Sara**

**xxx**

Chapter 4: Where does the Good Go?

_Where do you go with your broken heart in tow;  
What do you do with the left over you?  
And how do you know, when to let go?  
Where does the good go, where does the good go…_

xxx

"No way," Lisbon says firmly, shaking her head.

"No?"

"Definitely no. Look at the sparkles!"

Lisbon doesn't know how she got roped into wedding dress shopping with Grace but here she is. Trying on her fifth dress (and the worst yet). She was hoping to go shopping _alone_ and avoid all this.

"Maybe you're right," Grace muses, eying the dress. "Something more simple is probably better for you. Elegant." Ever-eager, she reaches for another dress. "Try this one."

"Elegant?" Lisbon echoes. She arches an eyebrow. "Elegant might work for _you_, Grace…" She looks the tall, slender agent up and down.

"You don't have to be _tall_ to be elegant," Grace counters, helping Lisbon step out of the (unflattering over-the-top, _hideous)_ sparkly dress. "You're totally elegant…even if you're like five feet tall."

"Five-four," Lisbon shoots back good naturedly. She won't admit it but this is kind of (maybe, a little, a _teensy_ bit) fun. It's clichéd, but she doesn't often get to let her girly side show. She waits (almost _eagerly_) as Grace zips her into the new dress.

"_Lisbon…_" the younger agent sighs.

"Good or bad?" Lisbon asks. Grace turns her to face the mirror.

"See for yourself."

To Lisbon's surprise (_astonishment…_) it's _good._ Great, even. The dress is simple but pretty (_elegant_) and it suits her small frame. She actually looks _nice…_

"I like it," she admits. She looks at Grace and isn't surprised to see tears gathering in her eyes. The younger agent laughs sheepishly.

"You look beautiful," she says. "It's perfect."

"Good for a beach wedding?" Lisbon presses. She wants something understated and simple, something _suitable._

"Perfect," Grace reiterates. "I think this might be _the_ dress."

Lisbon nods in agreement. "Me, too." (It _is_ a really nice dress…)

Grinning, Grace helps her step out of it. "Are any of your brothers coming to the wedding?" she asks as Lisbon changes into her regular clothes.

"Jason and Bryan are. Tommy isn't, obviously." She really hasn't discussed the whole sending-her-brother-to-jail incident with her team and she isn't surprised to see Grace's expression cloud.

"I'm sorry," she offers.

Lisbon smiles tightly. "I know."

They fall silent as Lisbon orders the dress and makes an appointment for alterations. It's not until they're on the street outside that Grace speaks up.

"Lunch?" she offers cheerfully.

Lisbon smiles. "Absolutely. I'm supposed to talk to the florist on Monday and I want your input."

Grace positively beams. "Perfect," she says. "I have some ideas. You're going to have a beautiful wedding, Lisbon."

"Yeah," Lisbon agrees, "I think I am."

Xxx

Sometimes she has doubts. She does her best to ignore them (deny them, force them out) but they still sneak up from time to time.

She's in love with Jane. She _knows_ that (without a _shadow of a_ doubt). And he says he's in love with her. She believes him (usually, most of the time). But she can't help but wonder if it'll last. She wonders if he ever looks at her and wishes she was his first wife. She wonders if he resents (or even _hates)_ her for it.

She wonders if he ever regrets not killing Red John.

He says he wouldn't change a thing, that all he's been through led him to her and he's grateful. And she believes him most of the time. Just not _all_ of the time.

She's (unfortunately) a cynic by nature and she's used to it. But she doesn't like to doubt Jane. She _wants (_longs…) to believe that his love is genuine and 100%. She wants to believe in living happily ever after. But the evidence isn't exactly stacked in their favor.

When she gets home from wedding dress shopping, she finds him in the living room, pictures spread in front of him.

"Hey!" he greets her cheerily. "I'm still thinking about houses." He gathers up a stack of pictures and hands it over. "I like this one best."

She flips through the stack, evaluating each picture. It _is_ a nice house—Spanish style with whitewashed adobe and a red tiled roof. The inside is bright and airy with gleaming wood floors and intricate tiles. It has a nice yard, too. Not too big or too small with several trees and flower beds.

"I like it," she admits. "A lot."

"Me, too." He pokes her arm. "What do you think? I want to buy it."

She swallows. "It's beautiful," she says. "But a house is a big investment…"

"We're getting married," he argues. "We're starting a _life_ together…" Seeing her hesitation, his face pales. "You're not having second thoughts, are you?"

She shakes her head quickly. "No, no." She pauses. "Are you?" His face falls and he cups her cheek in his hand.

"Teresa," he sighs. "How can I make you see how much I love you?"

"I'm sorry," she says. "I don't want to doubt you…"

"Then don't," he says simply. "Don't doubt me. Trust that I'll never, ever stop loving you."

"I'm trying," she whispers (_pitifully…_)

His eyes narrow and she knows (with a pang in her chest) that he's angry.

"Why can't you trust me?" he asks (demands). "Haven't I earned your trust by now?" His normally earnest blue eyes are icy and she shudders. "Maybe it's _you_ who's having doubts, Teresa."

"No," she says. She sounds childlike and desperate. Her own voice grates on her nerves. "No," she repeats.

"You're doubting me," he says coldly. "Damn it, Teresa, I'd rather have you doubt your love for me than the other way around. Are you so fucking damaged you can't let me love you?"

His words are like a knife (slicing, cutting, _stabbing_), and she wraps her arms around herself (_protection…_). "I'm trying," she tells him again. "I'm _sorry…_"

She wants (needs…) him to be patient, to not give up (_please, please don't give up…_). She needs him to see their relationship through her eyes, to understand their seemingly insurmountable obstacles.

His wife and daughter (_Rachel and Ella,_ she reminds herself). They're always right there, just under the surface. Sometimes he says their names in his sleep. She's tempted (_so tempted_) to tell him that but she bites her tongue.

It won't help anyone.

"Try harder," he tells her. "I've given you everything, Teresa. _Everything._ The least you can do is _try_ to trust me."

"That's the problem," she blurts out (before she can stop herself).

"Excuse me?" His expression grows colder (if that's possible…). She swallows hard.

"I said," she says shakily, "that that's the problem. You gave up everything. And how am I to know if you're not going to resent me for it someday?"

"Because I promised!" he snaps (shouts, screams _explodes). _"I promised to love you. I promised I had no regrets! Do you think I was lying?"

"No," she cries. "I don't think you were lying. I just…I…"

"You think I'm going to change my mind," he surmises. "That's lovely. Charming even." His voice is high and mocking, tight with sarcasm. She reaches for him but he jerks away. Her fingers meet nothing but (cold, empty) air.

"Patrick," she begs. He shakes his head.

"I don't know what's going on with you," he says. "But figure it out. Or isn't going to be house, let alone a wedding." He stands, crossing his arms. "I'm going out. I'll sleep in the guestroom tonight, I think." He turns to leave but stops, turns back. "This isn't about me," he says. "It's all about you. Please figure it out."

Then he's gone, leaving her (horribly, painfully, _hopelessly_) alone.

Xxx

After a (painfully) silent weekend, she is glad to get back to work. She gets there early and immediately logs into her computer (paperwork never looked so good). She's been at it nearly an hour when Grace pokes her head in.

"Hey," the younger agent says cheerily. "Did you tell Jane about the dress?"

Just thinking about the dress sends a wave of ice through her insides. (_What if she never gets to wear it?)_

"Um, no," she says. "We had a fight." She isn't sure why she's admitting this and immediately regrets it when Grace steps all the way into the office and shuts the door.

"What happened?" she asks. (The girl is too nice for her own good, really.)

"I don't want to talk about it," Lisbon says tightly. "It's nothing."

"Then why do you look like you're about to cry?" Grace counters.

_Damn it._

Grace moves to stand closer to the desk. "Look," she says, "I know you're my boss and everything. And I know you don't like to share. But you look like you could use a friend and I'm willing to listen. So for God's sake, Lisbon, _talk to me._"

Lisbon blinks at her, surprised at the outburst from her usually mild-mannered friend. And, for some inexplicable reason, she moves to her couch and begins to talk.

She tells Grace everything (_everything_). She tells her about her doubts and fears, about Jane's promises. She relays their argument and Jane's pseudo-ultimatum. She talks about how damaged they both are and how afraid she is they'll never overcome their pasts.

She tells Grace everything.

When she's done, Grace watches her silently for a moment, seeming to gather her thoughts. This thoughtfulness, this careful consideration, is a quality Lisbon appreciates and she waits patiently.

"You love him," Grace says finally. "And he loves you."

"And this whole thing is my fault," Lisbon adds. Grace shakes her head.

"No. It's not your fault. And it isn't his. You're equally guilty _and_ equally innocent." Grace crosses her arms, expression serious. "You need to be patient with each other. You need to trust each other. It's hard but you've got to let him _in,_ Lisbon."

"I have…"

"Not all the way. You're still afraid to let him all the way in. You're both afraid."

"Maybe…" Lisbon isn't sure. What Grace is saying makes sense and it's probably true (especially since it scares her).

"Don't let this come between you," Grace urges. "You love each other—fight for it. Don't give up."

Lisbon wants to assure her idealistic friend that everything will be fine, that she and Jane will marry and have their happily-ever-after. But she can't.

Because she doesn't know if it's true.

Xxx

**A/N2: Like I said, angst is my weakness. Stay tuned—I'm hoping to have a chapter up soon.**


	5. Fountain

**A/N: I hope the quick update makes up for the delay last time. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I still do not own The Mentalist. Chapter title and lyrics by Sara Lov**

**xxx**

Chapter 5: Fountain

_Fountain, fountain_

_We are the same_

_You with the water, and me with the pain_

_Turning it over again and again…_

_xxx_

When she gets home, she's met with frigid silence. He's hardly spoken to her since Saturday and the tension is getting exhausting.

She knows she should be an adult and be the first one to talk. But she isn't ready yet (and, besides, she doesn't know what to say).

He greets her flatly (barely civilly) before turning back to the book he's reading. Sighing, she settles in with her newspaper. She's gearing up to suggest ordering takeout (that requires talking and is therefore hard) when someone knocks on the door.

Jane frowns.

"Were you expecting someone?" he asks. It's the most he's said to her in two days and her heart skips a beat. She shakes her head.

"No…you?"

"Nope."

Seeing that he's not moving, she sighs and gets up to answer it. To her surprise, Grace is on the other side. She's slightly disheveled and it looks like she's been crying.

"Grace," Lisbon says in astonishment. "What's wrong?"

Grace wipes her eye as fresh tears slide out. "I'm sorry to bother you," she says shakily. "I, um, I know you're stressed and everything but I really n-needed to t-talk to you…"

"Okay, okay," Lisbon says, ushering her inside. She's not sure (_has no idea_) what's going on but it's clear the younger woman is upset. Gently, she guides her into the living room where Jane jumps up to meet them.

"Grace!" he cries. "What's the matter?"

"No idea," Lisbon responds in lieu of Grace, who is crying. "Grace," she turns her attention to her friend, "sit down, okay? Jane will get you some tea." She glances briefly at her fiancé, who nods and hurries out of the room.

They've struck a silent (and tenuous) peace treaty. They might be mad at each other but Grace is obviously distraught and that takes precedence. Lisbon rests a hand on the crying woman's back. She leaves it there, rubbing in gentle circles, until Jane returns with the tea.

"Thanks," Grace mumbles, accepting the mug. "You're probably wondering why I'm here."

"A little," Jane admits, sitting on her other side. "Do you want to tell us what's up? Or I can leave," he adds, "if you just want to talk to Lisbon."

"Or the other way around," Lisbon jumps in. If she weren't still upset with him and worried about Grace, she'd laugh at how they're (verbally) tripping over one another. As it is, she's unable to find any humor in the situation.

Grace shakes her head. "I want to talk to you both," she says. She scrubs at her eyes, wiping away the tears. "You two have to stop believing you're too damaged to have a real relationship," she says in a rush. "You're letting the past get in the way of being happy!"

"This is about _us?"_ Lisbon exclaims. She knew her friend was compassionate but _come on._ Grace shakes her head again.

"Not exactly. I'm not doing this right." She sighs. "Listen—you think you're alone in being messed up. That the rest of us are somehow better than you, more equipped. And it's not true. Cho was in a gang. Rigsby's dad was abusive…"

"And you?" Jane interrupts. "What happened to you?"

Lisbon frowns at him. It's obvious that there's something painful (maybe even _tragic_) in Grace's past. But that doesn't mean she wants to _share_ about it. Grace notices her look and smiles tremulously.

"It's okay, Lisbon," she says. "I want to tell you about it." She pauses, clearing her throat. "No one knows…not even Rigsby. But I really want…I _need…_"

"You can tell us," Lisbon assures her quickly. "And you can trust us. You know that, Grace."

Grace nods, taking a sip of tea and wiping her eyes. After a pause, she sets down her mug and squares her shoulders.

"I have older brothers and a younger sister," she says. "We were always really close. My sister, Rosalie, and I were only a year and a half apart. She was my best friend."

Lisbon can already tell this story is going to end _very_ badly. If nothing else (Grace's hesitancy, the tears in her eyes), the use of the past tense gives it away.

"When I was sixteen," Grace continues, "Rosie and I were in a car accident. We were on the way home from a friend's house and we were arguing. It was so silly…just a petty fight…" Grace's voice breaks and she shuts her eyes.

Lisbon takes her (icy cold, shaking) hand. She's searching (fruitlessly) for something tos ay when Grace continues.

"We lived in Iowa, you know. Small town. The road was deserted and it was dark. A dear jumped out. I swerved to miss it…I was really inexperienced, you know? I just…_reacted._"

"It wasn't your fault," Lisbon blurts out. "You were a kid…"

Grace (seemingly) ignores her. "Rosalie didn't have her seatbelt buckled. I usually made her buckle it but I didn't that. Because I was mad and all. She was thrown from the car." Grace is crying hard now, but she continues, her voice ragged. "I was fine—just a few bumps and bruises, a broken wrist—but Rosie…she's in a hospital back home. Irreversible coma. She was only fourteen…"

Lisbon can't stop the soft (_horrified)_ gasp that escapes her throat. "I'm sorry," she murmurs. She honestly had no idea. Grace rarely talks about her family so it made sense to think that there was _something_ there, but she never expected _this._

Grace tugs her hand from Jane's briefly to wipe her eyes. "My dad and my oldest brother, Mark, uh, blamed me. I don't think they've ever really gotten over it. My mom and my other brothers—Rueben and Garrett—they always said it wasn't my fault but I don't know…they've never looked at me the same since."

Lisbon knows (all too well…) the pain of losing a loved one in a car crash. She can't imagine the horror of being the one _driving_, knowing you _caused_ the accident. No wonder Grace hates driving.

"I'm sorry," she repeats. Grace nods, clearly not finished.

"Things were pretty bad after that," she says. "I felt so _guilty._ I couldn't eat or sleep. My mom was a wreck—she visited Rosie in the hospital every day, waiting for her to wake up. Dad and Mark would hardly talk to me. About nine months after the accident, things were probably at their worst. The doctors were saying Rosalie wouldn't ever wake up. My mom refused to accept it. Dad was demanding second opinions all over the place and they were all looking at me like I'd killed her."

"You didn't," Lisbon says quickly. "You _didn't_, Grace."

"I know," Grace murmurs, tears glistening in her eyes. "Anyway, um, one afternoon I was home by myself and I just…I dug out one of my dad's hunting rifles. I couldn't _do_ it anymore. I think a part of me honestly thought if I died, maybe Rosie would somehow wake up."

Lisbon can tell Grace is slightly embarrassed by the revelation but she understands it. She knows bargaining—she's done it enough herself. (_If I let dad beat me up enough, he'll get well; if I let my foster father rape me, Mom'll come back and take care of my brothers…) _She understands bargaining. She can even understand the allure of suicide. But the idea of a young Grace pointing a gun at her head makes her feel sick.

She glances at Jane. His face is unreadable. He simply holds Grace's hand, listening. (_He's good at that…_). Lisbon clears her throat.

"But you didn't do it," she offers.

"My brother Reuben found me. It took some fancy convincing but he talked me out of it. He took the gun away. He told my parents and, um, they had me hospitalized for awhile." She lets out a soft sob. "I wanted to die. I really wanted to die. I don't anymore but for so long, I wished I was dead."

She is sobbing now and Lisbon's own tears spill over. Finally, Jane speaks up.

"I'm sorry," he says in his low (soothing) voice. "We're both so sorry, Grace."

Lisbon can only nod, unable to say anything past the lump in her throat.

"I don't know why I told you all of that," Grace mumbles. "It made sense at the time…Telling you you're not the only damaged people. You're the strongest people I know. And if you can't work it out…I don't know if _anyone_ can…" She laughs bitterly through her tears. "I don't know what I'm saying."

"Maybe you just needed to tell someone," Jane offers gently. "Maybe you just needed to get it out. It's an awfully big secret to carry around, Grace."

Again, Lisbon can only nod in agreement. She doesn't want to start bawling—this isn't about her.

"I'm ashamed," Grace says dully.

"Of?" Lisbon asks, managing to find her voice briefly.

"Fighting with Rosie. The accident. Trying to kill myself." Grace shrugs. "_Everything._"

"Never be ashamed," Jane says so fiercely it surprises even Lisbon. "Don't _ever_ be ashamed of what you went through. You're a _survivor_, Grace. It's something to be proud of."

Slightly awed at the passion (and raw honesty) in his speech, Lisbon nods, brushing a lock of hair from Grace's damp cheek and tucking it behind her ear.

"He's right," she says, pulling the younger woman into a tight hug. She's not usually the type for displays of affection but now she wants desperately to comfort her friend. Grace stiffens briefly before sagging against her, crying against her shoulder.

When Grace's tears finally slow and she straightens up, Jane reclaims her hand.

"You're more than welcome to stay with us tonight," he says softly.

Grace shakes her head. "I'm okay," she says. "I'm sorry I came and dumped all of that on you. I didn't mean to."

"We know what you meant," Jane assures her. "And you're right, of course. Except maybe for the fact that you give us too much credit." He squeezes her hand. "Are you sure you don't want to stay?"

"You're absolutely welcome," Lisbon adds.

"No, thank you." Grace stands up. "I really appreciate the offer, though. Thanks for listening."

"Anytime," Jane says, also rising to give her a quick hug. Lisbon moves to show her to the door.

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asks once they're (relatively) alone.

Grace nods. "Thank you for listening. I guess I needed to tell someone…"

"You're welcome." Lisbon hugs her tightly. "Call if you need anything, okay?"

"Okay." Grace pauses. "You should try to talk to Jane," she says.

"I know." Lisbon manages a (small, faint) smile. "And Grace…for what it's worth, you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. And no matter what happens with Jane and me, you can find a happy ending. Okay?"

"Okay," Grace agrees. "See you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow," Lisbon agrees. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Xxx

She and Jane don't talk until hours later. She's settling into bed when he appears in the doorway, hands shoved in his pockets. He looks pathetic (a bit like a lost puppy) and hesitant.

"We should talk," he says.

She nods, motioning for him to sit on the bed. Once he's settled, she clears her throat.

"I don't like fighting with you," she says. It's a stupid (idiotic, _moronic)_ opening line but she can't think of anything else.

"Me either," he replies. "Earlier, with Grace…besides all that she told us, she was trying to express that we're strong enough to overcome our pasts. And that she thinks of us as examples proving it's possible."

Lisbon winces. "She expects a lot of us," she muses.

"Maybe not," he says. "I mean, it's always going to be difficult. But she's asking us to love each other, to fight for each other and not _with_ each other."

"She wants us to try."

He nods. "Exactly. That's what she came here to tell us. The rest…well, she needed to get it out."

"Yes," Lisbon agrees. "God. I knew _something_ had happened but I didn't expect _that._"

"Me either," Jane admits. "But she's tough. Much tougher than she knows." He pauses thoughtfully. "Anyway, back to us. I love you. I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want that either." She folds her hands to keep from bunching the sheet in her fists (and to hide their shaking).

"I know. But you have to _trust_ me," he says. "I know you haven't been given much reason to trust people. Neither have I. Hell, you've been given plenty of reasons _not_ to trust _me._"

"And plenty of reasons _to_ trust you," she adds. "You've given up so much…"

"And you're afraid I'll resent you."

"Yes," she admits quietly.

"I won't," he says. "I'm not letting Red John destroy my life again. I found love a second time and that's amazing. I'm happy with you. That's the best revenge I can get."

She wants (_so badly_) to tell him about the name-saying thing but she can't. The words won't come. It will only hurt him, upset him. And she doesn't want to cause him any more pain, any more guilt.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I really am trying not to doubt you."

"And I'm trying not to give you reason to doubt." He kisses her forehead, then her lips. "I _love_ you," he says.

She leans into his embrace, closing her eyes.

"I love you, too."

Xxx

**A/N: I hope the back-story for Grace isn't too weird. I just kind of want to develop some more Lisbon-Grace friendship in this story. And you got some Jisbon resolution! Thanks for reading.**


	6. I'm a Believer

**A/N: So sorry for the long delay! I graduated from college on Sunday and between that and some major writer's block I haven't been able to update. Sorry!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it. Title and lyrics originally by the Monkees, more recently by Smash Mouth.**

**Xxx**

Chapter 6: I'm a Believer

_Not a trace of doubt in my mind.  
I'm in love, I'm a believer!_

xxx

Things have gone back to normal surprisingly (startlingly, _amazingly_) quickly. A few days ago, she was worried (concerned, terrified,_ convinced_) Jane would break their engagement. Now they've put in an offer on the house and she's looking at paint swatches with Grace.

"Nice change of pace from wedding planning," Lisbon comments as they look at the array of green swatches, all in differing shades.

Grace shrugs. "I like wedding planning," she says. "But this is good, too." She holds up a swatch. "What do you think of this one?"

Lisbon wrinkles her nose. "Too bright." She pauses, looking at her friend. "Are you okay?" she asks. The question has been (_pressing_) on her mind for days.

Grace meets her eyes (knowingly). "You mean after the other day? I'm fine. I'm sorry I dumped all of that on you. I probably shouldn't have."

"It's okay," Lisbon assures her. "I'm glad you told us." She leans forward (hoping this will help drive home her point). "You have nothing to be ashamed of, Grace. And you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for."

Grace blushes slightly. "I don't know about that," she says, "but thank you." She shuffles through the paint swatches, biting her lip. "There are so many things I wish I could say to her, you know?" she says after a pause. "So many things I want to talk about—apologizing for the argument is only the beginning."

Lisbon's chest tightens slightly in (_painful_) understanding. "I know," she says. "Trust me, I get it." She smiles sadly. "When my mom left that day—the day of the accident—she asked me to go with her. I was twelve and I was being kind of a pain."

"You were twelve," Grace says, nodding. "Most twelve year olds are pains."

"Yeah," Lisbon agrees. "Anyway, I didn't want to go. I was hardly even paying attention to her. She wasn't upset or anything. She just said, '_okay, Tessie. See you later. I love you.'"_ (If she closes her eyes, she can still hear her mother's voice...) "But," she continues, turning (forcing…) her attention back to Grace, "the thing I remember is I didn't say it back. I just kind of grunted."

Grace nods her eyes shining with (complete and _total_) understanding. "She knew," she offers gently. "And at least you got to hear her say it one more time." She holds up another paint swatch. "This one?"

"Maybe." Lisbon takes it and settles it with the other _maybes._ She hesitates briefly before speaking up again (because Grace should hear this, even if it's uncomfortable). "For what it's worth," she says slowly, "Rosalie had to have known you loved her, even if you were fighting that day. I can't imagine you being anything less than a wonderful big sister."

"Thank you," Grace says simply. It tugs (pulls, _yanks_) at Lisbon's heart to see her normally open friend so carefully closed off. She would like to say more but she can tell Grace wants the subject dropped. She understands the sentiment (all too well) and concedes.

"We don't have to discuss this now," she says. "But if you ever want to talk…"

"I know," Grace tells her. "And thanks." She smiles tightly before changing the subject back to paint swatches. "I think," she says, "it would look really nice if you just painted one or two walls—_accent walls._"

"Accent walls?" Lisbon echoes. Grace nods eagerly.

"It gives you some color without being overpowering," she explains. "It'd work _great_ with some of these green colors." Her smile falters slightly but she continues in a rush. "This kind of minty one is nice. And this one—a little more sage-colored—might be good too…" She continues on, chatting about color families.

Lisbon nods, listening patiently. She knows an attempt to deflect when she sees one (she's an _expert_, in fact) but she doesn't bother to interrupt. If Grace wants (needs) to talk about shades of green and accent walls, Lisbon will let her.

Half an hour later, they've chosen a selection of colors and shades for each room for Lisbon to show Jane and Lisbon is armed with information on accent walls and complementary colors. They're just packing up the discarded paint swatches when Jane enters, bouncing into the room.

"Hey ladies," he says cheerily. "Decorating, I see."

"Lisbon's sick of wedding planning," Grace tells him. He laughs.

"Imagine that." He turns to his fiancé. "The realtor called. Apparently we made the best offer, so…"

She stares at him. "We got the house!"

"We did," he agrees.

_They got the house…_Lisbon actually laughs out loud as she throws her arms around him. They have a _house._ They can move into a place of their _own._ It will be _theirs._

"Congratulations, guys," Grace says, smiling.

Jane turns to her with a wide (brilliant, charming, _blinding_) grin. "Stay for dinner, Grace?" he offers. Grace shakes her head.

"I need to take off. Thanks though," she says.

"Are you sure?" Lisbon asks. "We'd love to have you."

"I'm sure. You two celebrate." Grace's mouth quirks into a (slightly _mischievous)_ grin. "I _know_ you can do that," she teases.

Lisbon rolls her eyes and pulls away from Jane to walk Grace to the door.

"Thanks for your help today," she says. Grace shrugs (almost _too_) nonchalantly.

"No problem." She pauses. "And Lisbon? What you said about being here if I wanted to talk? The reverse is true, too."

Lisbon nods, studying her friend—sweet, innocent Grace, who most of their colleagues think is the sole undamaged member of the team. It saddens Lisbon to know otherwise, to understand what drives the younger agent's almost maniacal desire to prove herself, the reasons behind her fear of resentment and rejection.

"I know," she says. "Thanks." She flashes Grace a brief smile and closes the door behind her. When she re-enters the living room, Jane is already perusing the paint samples.

"So," he says conversationally as she settles herself in his lap. "We move in a week before the wedding."

She stares at him. "A week?" she cries. "Jane!" She likes (_needs_) stability. Chaos is _not_ her friend and moving into a new house a week before their wedding does not bode well for tranquility and calm.

"We'll manage," he says consolingly. "And this way we'll have the new place to come home to after the honeymoon."

She furrows her brow at the mention of the honeymoon. It's been another sticking point between them.

"You're sure you won't tell me where we're going?" she asks. He grins in the way that tells her he's _enjoying_ her discomfort.

"Quite sure," he tells her. "Don't worry. I promise you'll like it."

"Oh yeah?" she asks, arching an eyebrow. He kisses her firmly.

"Yeah," he confirms. "Definitely."

Xxx

She doesn't entirely know why she wants to confide in Grace first. After all, doesn't Jane deserve to be the first to know? She _should_ be telling him right away. But she can't be sure of his reaction and what _he_ thinks actually matters in the long run. Grace's ultimately doesn't.

So, on the third day she's thrown up twice before 9am _and_ realizes she's late, she summons the younger agent into her office.

Maybe it's because after several years of being mainly colleagues, the two women are friends. (_Close friends_, even). Maybe it's because she wants to tell another woman first. Or maybe she just trusts the redheaded agent.

Whatever the reason, she calls Grace into her office and asks her to shut the door.

"I think I'm pregnant," she says (_blurts)._

Grace's eyes widen. "Um, _wow,_" she says. "Does Jane know?" It's the obvious question but it stings slightly.

Lisbon shakes her head (ashamed). "Not yet. This wasn't exactly planned."

"Clearly."

"I bought a home test," Lisbon offers, pulling it out of her desk drawer. "I haven't taken it yet." (_I'm too scared.)_

"Well, let's do that," Grace says calmly (reasonably, _soothingly_). "Then we'll go from there. Okay?"

Lisbon nods and follows the younger woman to the bathroom. Grace waits outside the stall while she takes the test.

"It says to wait five minutes," she says when she exits. Grace is leaning against a sink, attempting to look nonchalant.

"Would it be a bad thing?" she asks. "If it were positive?"

Lisbon hasn't thought that far. She _can't_ think that far. Jane has hinted at wanting children with her but they haven't _really_ discussed it. She doesn't know if he really wants it. She doesn't even know if _she_ wants it.

"You'd be a good mom," Grace offers when she doesn't answer. Lisbon laughs (disbelievingly, angrily, _bitterly_).

"I wouldn't. I'd _suck,_" she says flatly. She isn't the least bit maternal. She's an abrasive workaholic with trust issues. She tried to raise her brothers and look how well _that_ turned out. Tommy's a criminal and the other two barely talk to her.

"It's been five minutes," Grace observes. Lisbon closes her eyes.

"You look," she says (begs, pleads). "I can't."

Grace takes the test from her hand and looks at it. Her brow furrows but Lisbon can't figure out what it means.

"Well?" she croaks. Grace looks at her.

"It's positive," she says quietly. She holds it out for Lisbon to see.

"Oh my God."

She's pregnant. _Pregnant. _As in having a _baby._ She takes the test from Grace with a shaking hand.

"Oh my God," she repeats.

Grace is studying her anxiously. "Boss?" she says. "You okay?"

"I'm pregnant," Lisbon mumbles, stating the obvious. "I'm having a _baby._"

"Yes," Grace agrees. She grasps Lisbon's shoulder. "Lisbon…Teresa…" she says, "you're going to be a _great_ mom."

That's Grace, ever the optimist. Grace probably _loves_ babies. And babies probably love her, too. She's the baby-type.

"I don't know how," Lisbon tells her, forcing out the words past numb lips. Grace smiles gently.

"No one does at first," she says. "But you'll _learn._" She pauses. "Do you want the baby?"

Lisbon thinks, leaning against the sink. She pictures a little girl with her green eyes and Jane's blonde curls. She imagines a boy with her dark hair and his bright blue eyes.

(_At least they know they'll have cute children…_)

She imagines coming home at night and snuggling up next to Jane, taking her baby in her arms. She pictures putting the baby to bed and watching her sleep. She knows she's idealizing but she _wants_ it (_desperately…_).

"I think I do," she says. "I think I want to have a baby."

Grace beams and hugs her tightly. "Congratulations," she says.

Lisbon smiles dazedly. "Thanks," she says. "I, um, should tell Jane…"

"Yes," Grace agrees. When she sees her boss's worried expression, her gaze softens. "He's going to be _so_ happy, Lisbon," she says. "I know he is."

"God I hope so."

Grace smiles. "He'll be thrilled." She pauses thoughtfully. "Now," she says, "you go tell Hightower you're not feeling well and then go home and talk to him. Okay?"

Her tone (surprisingly) leaves no room for argument and the suggestion is reasonable, so Lisbon nods.

"Alright," she agrees. "I might as well get it over with." She still can't shake the nagging fear that Jane _won't_ be happy about this news. Grace being Grace reads her like a book.

"He loves you," she says. "He wants to make a life and a family with you. This might be sooner than you expected but that doesn't matter in the long run." She hugs Lisbon again, squeezing tightly. "Go home and tell him you're having his baby. He'll be thrilled."

Lisbon nods. "I hope so," she says. Grace beams and squeezes her hand.

"I know so."

Xxx

When she enters the apartment twenty minutes later, Jane looks up at her in surprise.

"What are you doing home?" he asks worriedly. "Are you sick?" He hurries to her side and feels her forehead.

"I'm fine," she says, shaking him off. "I have to tell you something."

A look of fear crosses his face but he nods. "Okay," he agrees. She closes her eyes briefly (_gathering her courage…_).

"I'm pregnant," she says in a rush.

He gasps. "P-pregnant?" he stammers. "You're…_we're_…having a baby?"

"Yes," she confirms. (_God, let him be happy…_)

He grabs her by the upper arms and pulls her toward him. "A baby?" he says.

"A baby." She lifts a hand to touch his cheek. "I know it's unexpected and maybe too soon but…"

She is cut off by his lips on hers and she can't breathe (or move or even _think_).

"It's wonderful," he says when they've drawn apart. "Perfect." He kisses her again, until her knees go weak.

"You're happy?" she gasps against his lips.

"So happy." He wraps his arms around her and buries his face in her hair. "We're having a baby, Teresa. You're having our baby."

Before she can move or speak, he scoops her up and carries her to the bedroom, where he deposits her on the bed and straddles her. He's beaming as he unbuttons her blouse and slides it from her shoulders.

"A baby," he murmurs. "With ten fingers." He kisses each of hers. "And perfect little hands," he continues, drawing his lips across her right hand and pausing at her wrist. "Wrists," he mumbles against her skin. She is removing his shirt through a haze.

The thing about Jane is he's always creative. She's never been one for foreplay but with Jane, it's different. He's always interesting (romantic, hot, _sexy)._

"Arms," he goes on, planting a row of kisses across each of her forearms. He pauses briefly to grin at her. "Elbows…"

Systematically, he kisses up her neck and across her face, naming each part as he goes.

(Eyes, ears, mouth, nose…)

He works his way down her torso (ribs…_bellybutton…_). Slowly, he slides off her pants, then his own.

Then it's down to her toes and up her legs. Finally, he pauses, lips against her lower abdomen.

"Hi baby," he murmurs. "I'm your daddy."

She rolls her eyes, running her fingers through his hair. "I don't think she can hear you," she says. He raises his head to meet her gaze.

"She?" he echoes. "You think it's a girl?"

She shrugs. "Maybe…"

He shifts so they are face to face. "I hope she has your eyes," he says.

"Yours," she argues softly.

"A girl should have her mother's eyes," he murmurs. She rakes her fingers through his hair and rests her forehead to his.

"Patrick?" she breathes.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

Then she kisses him and neither has anything more to say.

Xxx


	7. Into the Fire

**A/N: Sooooooooo sorry for the delay. I was having some writer's block issues. I wrote this chapter like four times before I got to something I liked. I hope you can forgive me. *Grovels***

**Disclaimer: Not mine. If it were they'd probably be upset with me for abandoning them for so long! Chapter title and lyrics by Thirteen Senses.**

**Xxx**

Chapter 7: Into the Fire

_Come on, Come on_

_Put your hands into the fire_

_xxx_

It's late afternoon when she wakes up alone in bed. Blinking in the fading light, she gets up and slides into her underwear and his shirt. Quietly, she heads downstairs.

She finds him in the living room, sitting cross-legged in front of the coffee table wearing only his boxers and an undershirt. There's a photo album open on the table.

"Hi," she says softly, kneeling behind him and wrapping her arms around his neck. She peeks over his shoulder at the photos. Each one is of a family—a (_beautiful) _woman, a (_perfect_) little girl, and Jane. "Is that them?" she asks.

"Mmm-hmm."

She kisses his neck lightly. "Are you okay with this? With us starting a family of our own?"

He lifts a hand to caress her cheek. "More than okay," he assures her. "You've made me so happy."

Smiling, she slides around him to sit in his lap. "They were beautiful," she observes, tracing his daughter's image. "She had her mother's eyes."

"Just like our daughter will," he says.

"Unless she has her father's."

He laughs, cuddling her to his chest. "Stubborn," he chides. She rolls her eyes.

"That's the pot calling the kettle black."

"Maybe," he agrees. "Anyway, I guess this means we're not getting a puppy, huh?"

"No," she says with a laugh, "definitely no puppy."

Xxx

The weeks leading up to the wedding go by (ridiculously, surprisingly, _impossibly_) quickly. Before Lisbon knows it, she and Jane are moved into their house and the wedding is only four days away.

_Moved in_ is a relative term. They're in the house but surrounded by boxes. Unpacking will have to wait until after the (mystery) honeymoon. Lisbon doubts they would have gotten moved at all if it hadn't been for their friends' help.

Now, after they've all gone home for the night and she and Jane are alone in their new house, Lisbon is in the living room, staring at their stacks of unpacked boxes.

She's exhausted, but she can't sleep. Her brothers are arriving in the morning and she can't relax with the worry knotting in her chest. Jane's told her a thousand times (at least) that everything will be fine but she doesn't (_can't_) believe him.

Sighing, she gets up and paces to the window where she stares blankly out at the darkened yard. Her brothers seemed excited enough about the wedding last time they spoke but she hasn't seen them in a couple of _years._ Not since before Tommy's arrest.

She hasn't even told them she's pregnant.

She is startled when a pair of arms wrap around her and she is pulled backward into Jane's chest.

"Hey," he murmurs in a soft (gentle, soothing, sexy) voice. "Why don't you come to bed?"

"Can't sleep."

He kisses the top of her head. "Don't be nervous," he urges. She rolls her eyes (_easy for him to say…_).

"I can't help it. My brothers and I don't exactly have the best relationship." She sighs. "And, to be honest, I'm afraid of how they'll act. I don't want to thrust you into the middle of a Lisbon-family drama."

He is silent for a moment and she can almost hear him thinking.

"I love you," he says finally. "Nothing your brothers say or do will change that."

She turns to face him, looking into his eyes. "Promise?" she asks. He drops a kiss to her lips.

"Promise."

Xxx

Just before noon the following morning, the doorbell rings. Despite the fact that the house is in total disarray, she's invited her brothers over for lunch upon their arrival. It is possibly one of the stupider decisions she's made but what's done is done.

"Oh God," she says. "They're here."

Jane flashes one of his easygoing smiles. "Relax," he says. "Take a deep breath and open the door."

She nods briefly and heads for the front hall. Her hand shakes as she opens it.

Bryan and Jason stand on the other side, wearing matching smiles. They look (surprisingly) genuinely happy to see her. She is astonished when they both hug her tightly, delivering (what appear to be) sincere congratulations.

"Come in," she says slightly breathlessly after Jason has released her. "Sorry about the mess. We only just moved in."

They both wave her off.

"It looks great," Bryan says.

"Thanks," she replies, leading the way to the kitchen where Jane is setting the table for lunch. "Guys," she says to her brothers, "this is my fiancé, Patrick. Patrick, these are my brothers Bryan and Jason."

She watches apprehensively as Jane shakes hands with each of her brothers, greeting them jovially.

"Great to finally meet you," he says brightly. Her brothers grin, nodding in agreement (_so far so good…_).

As they sit down, Jane offers wine to everyone, pouring a glass of water for Lisbon.

"Not drinking, Tessa?" Bryan asks, almost accusingly. And just like that, she feels things start to sour. Alcohol has always been a sticky spot for them and now they probably think she's being judgmental.

"I've stopped temporarily," she says. She doesn't want to tell them about the baby, not when she feels like she's being attacked.

Jason sighs. "If this is about Dad, stop worrying. You're not like him. _None_ of us is."

"It's not," she says tightly. "And it's not about Tommy, either," she adds, knowing that will be their next line of questioning. She might as well get this over with. "I'm pregnant. That's why I'm not drinking."

They stare at her for several seconds, open mouthed.

"A baby?" Bryan says finally.

Lisbon feels Jane's hand close over hers as he responds. "Yes," he says. "We're having a baby."

More silence, even more painful than the last. Lisbon's heart is pounding (_smashing_) against her ribcage.

"That…that's great," Jason stammers. He gets up and moves to wrap her in a hug. "That's really great." Apparently over his shock, he is smiling now.

Bryan strides over, too, and hugs her tightly. "Holy crap, Tessa," he says, shaking his head, "that's amazing. How far along are you?"

"Only about seven weeks," she says. "So it's still really early."

Bryan ruffles her hair (like he used to when they were kids). "Do you know if it's a boy or a girl? Are you going to find out?"

"We don't know yet," she tells him, "and I want to find out but Patrick wants it to be a surprise. He thinks he can guess."

"I'm psychic!" Jane cuts in. Lisbon rolls her eyes.

"Are not," she retorts, earning a laugh from her brothers.

"You know who would love this?" Bryan says thoughtfully. "Mom."

Lisbon smiles (albeit sadly). "She would," she agrees. "Although she might have something to say about me walking down the aisle already knocked up."

"She'd get over it," Jason says flippantly. He kisses her cheek before moving back to his own chair. "You're gonna be a great mom, Tessa."

"Totally," Bryan agrees, squeezing her hand.

Lisbon beams at them both because that is the absolute _best_ thing they ever could have said and it means more than she can say. Tears burn at her eyes as she takes a sip of water.

"Thank you," she says softly. "Thank you so much."

Xxx

That night, while Jane is watching a movie with Rigsby, Lisbon and Grace sit in the den among the still-packed boxes, working on writing Lisbon's vows.

"I don't know why Jane insisted on writing our own," she grumbles, chewing on the end of her pen. "I'm _terrible_ at this kind of thing."

Grace rolls her eyes. "Just say what you feel," she says. "Speak from the heart."

Lisbon wrinkles her nose, earning another eye-roll from Grace.

"You love him," she says. "You want to marry him. Find a way to say it that feels natural. It doesn't have to be all flowery."

Lisbon thinks briefly before throwing down her pen. "Why can't I do this?" she exclaims. Grace picks up the pen.

"Relax," she says. "You're nervous. This whole thing is way out of your comfort zone." She studies Lisbon's face briefly. "Are you still doubting Jane?"

Lisbon winces and Grace's face falls.

"He loves you," she says gently. "He is _crazy_ about you. He'd do anything for you and then some." She sighs softly. "Look, Lisbon," she says, "I can't promise everything will be perfect and neither can he. But he loves you more than anything and he isn't going to hurt you. Okay?"

Lisbon sits in silence for a moment, turning Grace's words over in her mind.

"I know," she says finally. "I'm just…scared." The admission feels like it's being dragged (wrenched, _torn_) from her. Grace squeezes her arm.

"I know. And that's okay. He probably is, too. But you've been through so much already. This is just another step on the journey."

Lisbon smiles slightly. "Thank you," she says quietly. "I…thanks."

Grace returns the smile. "Did I fulfill the maid of honor duty?" she teases. Lisbon nods.

"You did," she says seriously. "You're a far better friend than I often give you credit for, Grace." She pauses slightly. "You're like a sister to me," she adds quickly.

When Grace's expression clouds, she feels a stab of guilt, remembering (_too late_) her friend's lost sister.

"Oh, crap, Grace, I'm sorry," she says in dismay. "I wasn't thinking."

Grace shakes her head. "It's okay," she says hurriedly. "Anyway, speaking of siblings, how'd things go with your brothers?"

Accepting the subject change, Lisbon smiles. "Really well, actually. They were happy about the baby. They even said I'd be a good mom!"

"You will," Grace says kindly. "But I'm sure it meant a lot coming from them."

Lisbon nods. "It really did," she says. "It meant a whole lot."

Grace smiles. "I'm glad," she says. "Now. Back to those vows."

Xxx

**A/N2: Next up, the wedding! **


	8. To Where You Are

**A/N: A million apologies for the long delay. I really have no excuse except for writer's block. I really do intend to finish this story. I have lots of stuff yet!**

**Disclaimer: The Mentalist is not mine. Title and lyrics belong to Josh Groban/whoever writes his songs…**

**Xxx**

Chapter 8: To Where You Are

_Fly me up to where you are_

_Beyond a distant star_

_I wish upon tonight _

_To see you smile_

_xxx_

The night before the wedding, Lisbon and Jane stay in the honeymoon suite at a hotel near the beach where the ceremony will be held (the same beach, in fact, that they got engaged on).

"You know," he says as they lounge on the balcony, "some people say it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride on the wedding day. So they spend the night before apart."

"I'm not worried," she says lazily. "I'm already marrying you—I must be maxed out on bad luck by now."

"Must be," he says. "So. Are you nervous about tomorrow?"

She shrugs. "A little." _A lot._ "You?"

"Not really. I mean, I've done this before." As he says the words his eyes cloud. Her chest tightens and she sets down her Champagne glass (that, in actuality, contains sparkling cider) in order to climb into his lap.

"I don't expect you to forget them," she says quietly. "You know that, right? They were your family and you loved them. Us getting married can't change that." (Even if a selfish part of her _wants_ it to…)

"I know," he says, sighing softly. "You're too good to me."

"Probably," she teases. He laughs and presses a kiss to her hair.

"Anyway, as for the nerves," he says, "just remember—all that matters is you and me. The dress, the vows, the guests…they don't matter. Just you and me."

"You and me," she echoes. "I like that."

"Yeah," he agrees. "Me, too."

Xxx

"Oh, Lisbon," Grace breathes as she helps Lisbon step into the wedding dress. "You look beautiful."

Blushing, Lisbon turns to face the mirror. She is (she has to admit) pleased with her appearance.Grace has arranged her hair into a mass of curls and swept it back from her face with flowers. For once her makeup is flawless. She actually thinks she looks pretty (_beautiful_ even).

Grace is beaming. "Do you have your something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue?" she asks eagerly.

"Almost. The dress is new, obviously. The flowers in my hair are blue. The necklace," she touches the glittering diamond at her throat, "was my mom's, so it's old. I don't have anything borrowed."

Grace grins. "I thought you might say that." She reaches into her purse and produces a small box. "Here. Your something borrowed."

Curious, Lisbon opens the box. Inside is a (_stunning_) diamond bracelet. "Oh, my God," she says. "It's beautiful, Grace."

Grace takes her wrist to fasten the bracelet. "I got it for my sixteenth birthday. My siblings pooled together to buy it." She laughs slightly. "I think our parents might've helped out a little, looking back on it."

"It's beautiful," Lisbon repeats, awed. "Are you sure you want me to wear this? It must be very special to you."

"Positive. And, yes, it is special. But it's not every day my best friend gets married."

Lisbon smiles at her, touched. "Thank you," she murmurs. Grace squeezes her hand.

"Are you ready?" she asks. "It's almost time."

Xxx

When they arrive at the (fairly) secluded section of beach where the wedding is to take place, they find her brothers, Rigsby, and Cho waiting beside a row of trees. The guys all stop and stare as Lisbon and Grace approach.

"Wow, boss, you look great," Rigsby says, wide eyed (like it's a _surprise_ or something).

"Don't sound so shocked," Grace chides (as though reading Lisbon's thoughts). Rigsby blushes.

"I, uh, I didn't…I mean…" He sighs. "You look really beautiful, Lisbon."

Lisbon chuckles. "Thanks," she says, glancing around. "Where's Jane?"

"Already by the water," Cho reports. "We're gonna join him in a second. When it's time, you'll just follow the path onto the beach." To Lisbon's surprise, he kisses her cheek quickly. "You look beautiful," he says. "Good luck."

She smiles as they disappear through the trees. Her brothers are gaping at her.

"Oh, _Tessa_," Bryan says. "You look amazing. I can't believe my big sister's getting married."

Lisbon blushes, aware of Grace slipping unobtrusively away. She has to smile at her friend's attempt to give them privacy. The other woman is nothing if not (sometimes _painfully_) sensitive.

"We're really happy for you sis," Jason says. "Patrick seems like a great guy and he obviously loves you a lot."

"And you deserve it," Bryan adds. At her (admittedly) surprised look, he laughs softly. "I know we've had our differences," he says, glancing at his brother, "all of us. But I love you and I'm really happy for you."

"Me, too," Jason agrees.

"And Tommy…"Bryan trails off (awkwardly, painfully). "Tommy's misguided. But he loves you, too."

Jason nods but his expression is clouded. And suddenly Lisbon realizes that he _knows._ Startled, she grabs his hand. He squeezes tightly. Neither says a word—not now anyway.

Bryan glances at his watch. "It's time," he observes. "Ready?" At Lisbon's nod, he sweeps her into a hug and kisses her cheek. "Let's do this," he says, signaling Grace.

Grace hurries back over, beaming. "Ready, boss?" she asks. Lisbon snorts.

"You're my maid of honor," she says. "I think in this situation you can call me Teresa."

Grace blushes and hugs her. "Congratulations…Teresa," she says. "Are you ready?"

"Very."

Grace grins and turns to head down the aisle. Lisbon glances at her brothers, who each take one of her arms. Her heart is pounding as they move through the trees but as soon as she lays eyes on Jane, everything else melts away.

_You and me_, he told her. _It's all about you and me_.

And she looks at him, holding his gaze as her brothers lead her toward him. Before she knows it, they've stopped and she and Jane are face to face. Before he releases her, Bryan leans forward.

"Take care of her," he says in a low (and mildly threatening) voice. Jane nods and smiles as he takes her hand and her brothers join the other guests—just Hightower and her family, Minelli and his, and a few other colleagues from the CBI.

Jane is beaming as the justice of the peace welcomes everyone and begins the ceremony. It is all a blur to Lisbon until the vows—the part she's been most nervous about. Jane is beaming (_radiantly_) as he takes her hands in his.

"Teresa," he says. His voice is low and earnest (sexy…). There's so much love in it and all he's said is her name.

She smiles at him and his grip on her hands tightens.

"Teresa," he repeats. "I love you. Against all odds, we love each other. You loved me even when it was difficult, even when it hurt. When it would have been easier to give up, you didn't. And you saved me. You saved me from of lifetime of anger and bitterness and regret. And you did it all by loving me."

She nods, tears gathering in her eyes. Her vision blurs as he continues.

"I can't promise that it'll always be easy. Sometimes it'll be hard. But I promise that no matter what, even when life is stacked up against us and it seems impossible to push through, that I'll love you. I'll never stop loving you and I'll never, ever leave. I promise to always put you first—you and our baby—I promise to put you ahead of everything else because I love you more than anything in the world. I promise that we'll never have to wait and hope for _someday_ because someday will always be right now."

It's obvious he is finished and she drops one of his hands to wipe her eyes as he slides her ring onto her finger.

"Patrick," she says. "I think I loved you long before I trusted you."

His lips quirk into a smile and he nods his head. She smiles back before continuing.

"I tried not to trust you. I tried not to let you in. But you managed to worm your way into my heart—and into my _life_. And now…now that's the only place I want you. Here. With me. And I promise to hang on tight and not let go. I promise not to run, even when it's hard. Even when ghosts of the past come back to haunt us, I'm not going anywhere. I promise to never let the darkness win. And I promise to love you…and to trust you…for as long as I live."

With a shaking hand, she takes his ring from Rigsby and slides it onto his finger. He smiles at her before turning back to the justice of the peace, who clears his throat.

"Do you, Patrick, take Teresa to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Jane beams. "I do," he says confidently.

"And do you, Teresa, take Patrick to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do," she says. Her voice (amazingly, astonishingly) does not waver.

"By the power vested in me by the state of California, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

They are the words Lisbon has been waiting for. Amid the applause of their friends, Jane kisses her deeply. She can feel him smiling against her lips.

"I love you," he murmurs. She links her arm with his as they turn to recess down the aisle.

"I love you, too," she says.

Xxx

Hours later she winds her arms around his neck as she dances in his arms.

"Remember the first time we ever danced?" he asks. She laughs softly.

"You kept bothering me the whole time about what instrument I played."

"You never did tell," he muses. "Care to share now?"

"Nope."

"Can I guess?" he asks. She rolls her eyes.

"Like I could stop you."

Grinning, he begins firing off guesses. She's still doing her best to sidestep him when Jason taps his arm.

"May I cut in?" he asks.

"Please do," she says before her new husband can answer.

"Well then," he says. "I can see when I'm not wanted." With that, he winks, kisses her forehead, and lopes off toward the bar, probably to annoy Grace, who is standing there talking to Hightower.

"You look happy," Jason observes as they begin to step in time to the music.

"I am," she agrees. He smiles.

"Good. And about before…I wasn't going to mention Tommy at all. I know it's a sore spot."

She shrugs (unconvincingly). "It's okay." She studies him carefully. "You know, don't you," she says quietly.

He nods, eyes clouding.

"How? Did Tommy tell you?"

"No. That night…" He trails off, clears his throat. "I had a bad dream and I wanted to go to your room. The door was locked and I heard you crying. I was confused but I went back to my room. I saw him coming out a little later."

"And you figured out?" she says skeptically, still keeping her voice low. "You were eight years old."

"Not then," he admits. "But later. I grew up eventually, Tessa, and I'm not stupid." His gaze is fierce as he looks at her. "Why didn't you tell anyone?"

She hesitates. "You," she admits finally. "I wanted us to stay together. And they were good to you."

"They were," he agrees. "But damn it, Tessa."

She lifts a hand and presses a finger to his lips. "Shhh," she urges. "Let's not talk about it now. I got married today and I'm really, really happy."

"Finally," he says.

"Finally I'm married or finally I'm happy?" she asks, arching an eyebrow. It's a relief to leave the seriousness behind and tease him a little.

"Both," he teases, earning a smack on the arm. He laughs. "I'm teasing you. But seriously, Tess. I'm really glad you're happy. You deserve it."

"Thanks," she says. "And thanks for being here. It means a lot."

"Wouldn't miss it," he assures her. "Now come on. Let's get you back to that husband of yours. He's already looking lonely."

"Which means he'll be up to no good momentarily," she says, linking her arm through his. They're halfway across the room when they're intercepted by Grace.

"Everyone wants to know if you're going to toss the bouquet," she says. Lisbon raises an eyebrow.

"You're the only single woman here, Grace," she reminds her friend. "Why don't I just give it to you?"

"Sounds reasonable," Grace says with a smile. Her expression turns mischievous. "We can let Cho and Rigsby and your brothers fight over the garter."

"Don't give them any ideas," Lisbon says dryly, handing over the bouquet. She doesn't miss the way the younger agent's gaze immediately travels to Rigsby, the longing evident in her eyes. Gently, she squeezes her hand. Seeming to notice the tension, Jason steps forward.

"Care to dance?" he asks Grace, holding out his hand. She smiles (almost _too)_ brightly.

"Sure," she says, shooting a glance at Lisbon, who nods.

"Behave," she tells her brother. He winks at her and pulls Grace out onto the dance floor. Lisbon watches them for a moment before moving to join Jane at the bar. As she sidles up beside him, he kisses the top of her head.

"Enjoying your wedding, my dear?" he asks. She nods, wrapping her arms around him.

"Yeah," she says quietly. "It's really, really nice."

Xxx

When it is time to say goodbye to their guests, Lisbon is exhausted. All she wants is to crawl into bed—and not even for wedding-night sex.

"Have a good honeymoon," Hightower says, actually giving her a brief (albeit awkward) hug. "See you when you get back."

"Thanks," Lisbon says.

"And thank you for coming," Jane adds as she walks away. Minelli and his family are the next to leave and then Lisbon's brothers are standing in front of her.

"You're flying out early tomorrow?" she asks.

"Yeah," Bryan says. "Back to real life."

She smiles, blinking back a few tears. "Thank you so much for coming. It really meant a lot to me," she says quietly.

Bryan hugs her tightly. "We wouldn't have missed it," he assures her.

"Yeah," Jason agrees. "Our big sister got married. That doesn't happen every day." He hugs her, too, and kisses her cheek. "Congratulations, Tessa."

"And keep in touch," Bryan adds. "We want to meet this niece or nephew of ours."

"Will do," she promises.

"Take care of her," Bryan says to Jane as he shakes his hand. Jane nods seriously, ignoring his wife's (slightly _murderous_) look.

"I certainly will," he says. "You can count on that. Thanks for coming, guys."

Both nod, hug their sister once more, and depart.

Now it is only Lisbon, Jane, and the team.

"Thank you guys," Lisbon says sincerely. "For everything."

They nod, knowing what she means.

"Congratulations," Rigsby says. "You two deserve this." He grins. "Now go enjoy your honeymoon!"

Everyone laughs as the guys both embrace Lisbon and shake Jane's hand, clapping him on the back. As Lisbon turns to Grace, she quickly, unfastens the bracelet from around her wrist.

"Thank you so much for lending it to me," she says, placing it in Grace's hand. "Really…it meant a lot to me."

"I know," Grace says quietly. "Now go! Enjoy your honeymoon. And no worrying about work while you're gone."

"Right," Cho agrees. "We'll see you when you get back."

"See you then," Lisbon says. She leans into Jane's arms and they watch their friends leave together. Grace is carrying Lisbon's bouquet and Rigsby is flipping the garter in his hands.

"I'm not sure how I feel about Rigsby possessing something that was _under_ your dress," Jane remarks. Lisbon laughs softly.

"I think it'll be okay," she says. "Besides, it made Grace happy."

"Yeah," he agrees. "Those two will work out."

"You think, psychic boy?"

"Yup." He pulls her against him, arms locking around her waist. "Are you happy, my dear?"

Sighing softly, she leans her head on his chest, breathing in his scent.

"So happy," she murmurs. "You have no idea."

Xxx

**A/N 2: Again, soooooooo sorry for the delay. But Jane and Lisbon are married! Yay!**


	9. Bitterswet Symphony

**A/N: I was quicker this time! This chapter has quite a range of stuff going on. Enjoy!**

Chapter 9: Bittersweet Symphony

_I let the melody shine_

_Let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now._

_But the airways are clean_

_And there's nobody singing to me now_

_xxx_

Lisbon snuggles in Jane's lap, resting her head on his broad (warm, comfortable, _sexy_) chest. They are lounging on the terrace of their rented villa in Greece, enjoying the warm breeze. It is hard to believe they will be returning to Sacramento in two days.

"So," Jane says. "Good honeymoon?"

"Very good. I can't believe you planned all this!"

He laughs and kisses her hair. "See?" he teases. "Surprises aren't all bad."

"I guess not," she allows. She feels him smiling against the top of her head as he wraps his arms more securely around her. Like he wants her to keep from floating away.

"I can't believe we're married," he muses.

"_I_ can't believe I married _you,_" she replies absently. The view from the terrace is amazing (_breathtaking_) and she is only half-listening to him. He laughs again and slips one hand under her shirt to stroke her bare stomach.

"Have you thought of baby names?" he asks.

"No," she murmurs sleepily. "I mean, kind of. But not really. You?"

"Some."

"Mmm."

They are talking lazily, in fits and starts. She feels so warm and comfortable (peaceful and so _perfectly safe_), part of her never wants to leave.

"I wonder who the baby will take after," he says. She shifts to burrow her face in the crook of his neck.

"Me, I hope."

His laugh rings out through the quiet evening air and she is (totally, completely, _blissfully_) happy.

Xxx

"Here we are," Jane says. "Home sweet home."

Lisbon nods tiredly, thinking of their piles of unpacked boxes. After a 13 hour flight, she longs to come home to a neat and orderly house instead of the disarray they left behind. As Jane unlocks the door, she nearly falls over in surprise.

Their things are all unpacked, neatly organized and set out. There is even paint on the walls, the shades she picked out with Grace.

"What in the world?" she says, striding to the kitchen. Everything is put away. She spins around slowly, taking it all in.

There is a note taped to the fridge. She recognizes Grace's handwriting immediately.

_Hi guys! Welcome home. We hope you had a great trip. As you can see, we did some unpacking for you. Hope you like! Love, Grace, Rigsby & Cho._

"Wow," Lisbon says, handing the note to Jane. "I can't believe they did all this. They even painted!"

He nods, looking around in astonishment. "They did a really good job," he says.

"I'll say." Lisbon hurries up the stairs. Sure enough, the bedroom is all unpacked and set up, complete with paint on the walls. The only rooms that are untouched are the spare room and the nursery.

"Nice," Jane says, a grin creeping across his face. "Want to try out the bed?"

In response, she grabs him by the shirt and kisses him until she can't breathe.

"I'll take that as a yes," he says.

Xxx

Lisbon sleeps until noon the following day and then heads to work for the second half of the day. As she walks into the building, she runs into Rigsby at the coffee cart.

"Hey, boss!" he says, striding over. "How was your trip?"

"Really excellent," she replies. "And we came home to quite a surprise last night."

"Do you like it?" he asks anxiously. "Did we do okay?"

"It's great," she assures him. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome," he says as they get into the elevator. "It was Grace's idea."

"I figured."

When they step into the bullpen, Grace (unsurprisingly) hurries to greet her first.

"Hey!" she says, giving her a hug. "How was the honeymoon? Where'd he take you?"

"Greece. He rented a little villa—it was beautiful." Lisbon smiles. "We brought you all souvenirs but they're at home."

"Speaking of home…" Grace says slowly. Lisbon laughs.

"It's wonderful. I can't believe you guys did all that."

Grace shrugs. "No problem," she says.

"Well, thank you. It was a great surprise."

"Good," Grace says as Cho strides over and squeezes Lisbon's arm.

"Welcome back, boss," he says. "Good trip?"

"Very."

"Well, tell us about Greece!" Grace says. "I've heard it's _beautiful._"

"It is," Lisbon agrees, laughing as they all gather around. She's still describing the beauty of the little Greek village where they stayed when Hightower strolls in.

"Alright, people," she says, "as exciting as it is to have Lisbon back, let's get to work, alright?" She doesn't actually look excited but Lisbon lets that slide.

Cho nods compliantly and heads back to his desk. Rigsby makes a face but obeys as well. Grace looks at Lisbon.

"I wanted to hear more about your trip," she says under her breath. Lisbon smiles.

"We'll talk later," she promises. "Jane and I want to have all of you over for dinner sometime this week."

"Cool," Grace says. "Just tell us when."

"Will do." Lisbon starts to head to her office but Cho's voice stops her.

"Hey boss!" he calls. "Good to have you back."

She grins over her shoulder at him.

"Good to be back."

Xxx

After getting some (much needed) rest for a few days, Lisbon and Jane invite the team over for dinner at the end of the week.

"I have a doctor's appointment in the afternoon," she tells them, "but why don't you come over for dinner?"

They all readily agree and she tells them to get there around 7. She's strangely (and inexplicably) nervous about entertaining with Jane as a married couple in the new house but she shakes it off as best she can.

On Friday after lunch, she heads out to pick up Jane for the doctor's appointment, promising Grace ultrasound pictures as she goes. She has to admit she _is_ excited at the prospect of seeing her baby for the first time. Jane is, too, apparently. He's practically bouncing off the walls when she picks him up and as they sit in the waiting room.

"Hi you two," Lisbon's obstetrician, Dr. Ingram says when she strides into the exam room. "Congratulations on the wedding. How was it?"

"It was really nice," Lisbon says.

"And the honeymoon?" the doctor asks, applying the ultrasound gel to Lisbon's abdomen.

"Wonderful," Lisbon says. "Oh, that's cold."

"Sorry," Dr. Ingram apologizes. "But we should be able to hear the heartbeat in a few minutes."

Lisbon grins at Jane who squeezes her hand. He looks more excited than she's ever seen him (which is saying something). They wait anxiously, eyes on the doctor.

"Hmm," she says. "That's funny." She moves the wand across Lisbon's abdomen, frowning. After a moment, she looks up. "I'll be right back," she says. "Just sit tight."

Before Lisbon or Jane can speak, she's hurried out of the room. Lisbon clings to Jane's hand.

"What if there's something wrong?" she asks worriedly. The baby has to be okay. Her life is finally going_ right_ and her baby _has _to be okay. Jane pats her arm.

"Don't worry," he soothes. "I'm sure she's just having technical problems or something."

Lisbon is far from convinced but she nods. They sit quietly until Dr. Ingram returns, another doctor in tow.

"Hello," he says. "I'm Dr. Tate. I'm just going to take a look at the ultrasound." He picks up the wand and moves it around. After a moment, he looks at Dr. Ingram and shakes his head. Her face falls.

"I'm sorry," she says. "There is no heartbeat."

Lisbon feels her own heart skip a beat. Oh, God, no. Oh, please, _please_ no.

"Wh-what?" she gasps. Jane's grip on her hand is splintering (crushing, _shattering_). Dr. Ingram looks solemn and sad.

"You're having a miscarriage," she says. "I'm so very sorry."

"Miscarriage?" Jane says in a tight (almost _shrill_) voice. Lisbon closes her eyes. She is finding it impossible to breathe. (_This isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening…_)

"I'm sorry," Dr. Tate says in a kind but firm voice. "Your baby is dead."

Xxx

**A/N: Don't kill me. I'm a junkie for angst. I hope to have a new chapter up soon-ish.**


	10. I Would Die for That

**A/N: Aren't you proud? I was so much quicker this time :) Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Forgot this on last chapter. That title and lyrics were by The Verve. This one is by Kellie Coffey.**

**xxx**

Chapter 10: I Would Die for That

_And I want to know what it's like  
To bring a dream to life.  
For that kind of love,  
What I'd give up!  
I would die for that._

_xxx_

"Dead?" Lisbon echoes. "How…when?" (_Why? Was it something I did?_)

"It's difficult to know," Dr. Ingram says. "It was probably fairly recent."

"Did…did I do something?" Lisbon asks. She's been under a lot of stress. There was the wedding and the honeymoon and the move. Good things but stressful nonetheless…

"Oh, no," Dr. Ingram insists. "These things truly just happen. There was nothing you did."

Lisbon closes her eyes (as though she can shut out the news) and lets the pain wash over her in waves.

"What now?" she hears Jane ask. His voice sounds far away, as does Dr. Ingram's reply.

"We need to perform a D&C to evacuate the fetus."

Lisbon whimpers, closing her eyes tighter.

"Teresa?" Dr. Ingram says. "I need you to look at me for a second."

Unwillingly, Lisbon opens her eyes.

"You're going to be sedated," the doctor says, "but you will feel some discomfort. And for the next few days you'll have some cramping and bleeding. Okay?"

"Okay," Lisbon says dully. Dr. Ingram squeezes her hand.

"I truly am sorry," she says. She pauses. "Would you like to know what it was?"

"Yes," Lisbon says before Jane can answer. She wants to know if it is her son or her daughter she's killed.

Dr. Ingram smiles sadly.

"It was a boy."

Xxx

When they get home, Lisbon immediately heads to the living room and sits on the couch, knees hugged to her chest. Jane hovers beside her.

"I'm going to call the others and tell them not to come, okay?"

She nods. She hasn't spoken since before leaving the doctor's office. Jane cried during the procedure. She simply laid there. Numb.

"Unless you want to see someone," he says. "Grace?"

She shakes her head. She doesn't want to see anyone again ever.

"Okay," he says gently, slipping from the room. When he returns, his eyes are red-rimmed. "They're all sorry," he says. "They're so sorry."

She doesn't even move. Condolences mean nothing. Nothing at all.

"Teresa," Jane pleads. "Sweetheart…please talk to me."

She looks at him briefly and then pulls her gaze away, staring at the wall. Even as his sobs fill the room, she cannot say a word.

Xxx

Teresa Lisbon has known emptiness. She's known pain and sorrow and loss. She knows what it is to be lonely. But none of that, none of what she's experienced before, can compare to this.

She feels stripped bare, literally. Completely empty and void.

She can't talk to Jane or even look at him. He carries an aura of pain wherever he goes and the guilt eats at her like fire.

"Teresa?"

She looks up to see Jane in the doorway, Grace hovering beside him. God, she didn't even hear the bell.

When she doesn't answer, Jane sighs (like he carries the weight of the world).

"I need to run some errands," he says. "I figured you wouldn't want to come."

She shakes her head. She's barely even left the _couch_ since getting home from the doctor's two days ago.

"Right," he says. "So Grace is gonna stay with you, okay?"

She shrugs. Looking pained, he kisses her quickly and leaves. Grace stays by the door, wringing her hands.

"You can come closer," Lisbon croaks, her voice raspy. "I won't bite."

Grace moves forward, looking relieved to hear her talking.

"Lisbon," she whispers. "I'm so sorry."

Lisbon turns her gaze to the wall. She feels cold (_ice in her veins_). Grace's words roll off her and float into space.

"Lisbon," Grace repeats. "_Teresa._ Please, please talk to me."

"What's there to say?" Lisbon asks dully. Grace should know, speaking at all is progress.

"Oh, boss," Grace murmurs. She lifts a hand to stroke Lisbon's greasy, matted hair. They sit in (painful, roaring) silence for a few minutes.

"It was a boy," Lisbon says finally. "Did Jane tell you?"

"Yeah," Grace says.

"I was going to give him a son," Lisbon continues distantly. "But I failed. And now he hurts so bad; he's in so much pain…and it's my fault."

"Oh, Teresa, no," Grace cries. "No. It's not your fault."

Lisbon shrugs. "I guess it wasn't meant to be, huh?" she says. "Me having a baby." She chokes a bitter laugh. "I would've sucked as a mom anyway."

She can't help but believe her own words. As much as she _wanted_ to give Jane another chance at fatherhood, she knows she _couldn't_. She, his replacement wife, couldn't give him a replacement child. Yet another way she can't measure up.

She doesn't realize she's been saying all of this out loud until she catches sight of Grace's horrified expression.

"Lisbon!" she cries. "Don't say that! It's not true."

But it is. It's horribly painfully true.

"She gave him a child, Grace," Lisbon says. "He loved being a dad and he wanted to do it again. Now I failed in giving that to him."

Grace grabs her hand, gripping it tight. "Lisbon," she sighs. "Don't do this." As Lisbon tries to pull away, she tightens her hold. "This wasn't your fault," she says. "It's horrible and painful but it wasn't your fault. It doesn't make you inferior to her."

Lisbon closes her eyes and blurts out the one thing she's promised herself never to tell _anyone_.

"He says their names in his sleep," she says. "Rachel and Ella."

"Wh-what?" Grace stammers.

"His wife and daughter. He calls for them in his sleep. Sometimes, he sounds happy. Totally at peace. Sometimes he sounds scared, like he's warning them. And sometimes…sometimes he sounds like he's longing. Longing for them."

The words are out now and she can't take them back. She opens her eyes to look at Grace fearfully.

Grace is silent for a moment, eyes shining with tears.

"Lisbon," she murmurs finally. "Teresa…that doesn't mean…"

"But it might!" Lisbon cuts her off. She yanks her hands from Grace's grasp and crosses her arms. "I thought I could do it," she whispers. "I thought I could live my life being the second wife, second best, second choice."

Grace opens her mouth to protest but Lisbon continues talking.

"I know," she continues, "that he doesn't resent me for Red John. I get that now. But I'm not sure he'd choose me over them—over Rachel and Ella." She takes a shuddering breath. "I think if he could choose, he'd pick them. If he could somehow bring them back, he would, even if it meant losing me."

It is the (painful, horrible, gut wrenching truth) and now it's out in the open, floating between them.

"He loves you," Grace says with uncharacteristic ferocity. "He loves you and wants to be with you no matter what. Don't make yourself crazy thinking about impossible bargains. Don't doubt him, Lisbon."

"I'm trying," Lisbon murmurs. The pain is building in her chest. "We were so happy," she says raggedly. "We just got married; we have a beautiful new home. And we were going to have a baby." She clenches her fists tightly. "We're barely back from the honeymoon and look at us."

"You'll get through it," Grace promises. "Together." She reclaims Lisbon's hand. "And I'm here for you…we all are."

Lisbon lets out a soft sob, followed by another and then another. A moment later she is in Grace's arms, finally crying.

"Oh, God!" she wails. "Oh, God…My baby…"

Grace holds her tight, rocking her back and forth. "I know," she murmurs. "I know. I'm so sorry."

"I wanted him. I wanted him so much. My baby…I didn't even know him and I miss him," Lisbon sobs. And then she is crying too hard to speak. She cries so much she nearly gags. She cries until she feels weak and limp, utterly spent.

Grace strokes her hair. "You're going to be okay," she says. "I promise. You'll get through this. You're the strongest person I know."

Lisbon can only whimper, burying her face in her friend's shoulder. They're huddled on the couch, tangled in an embrace when Jane gets home. The second she sees him, Lisbon bursts into fresh tears, flinging herself into his arms.

Through her sobs she can hear him thanking Grace, feel her friend's hand stroke the back of her head. Then they are alone, clinging together and sobbing. After awhile he picks her up and carries her upstairs where he starts the shower and climbs in with her. He has to hold her up as he helps her wash.

When they finally collapse into bed, she burrows in his arms, safe and warm. Neither of them speaks. They simply lie there, bound together by wrenching pain and utter loss.

Xxx

Lisbon stays home from work for a better part of the week. On Wednesday, the day before she's due back she invites the team over for their cancelled dinner. She wants to see them before work, outside the office.

Rigsby arrives first. When she answers the door, he immediately wraps her in a hug, crushing her to his chest.

"I'm sorry, boss," he says. "How are you holding up?"

"Okay," she tells him. "Better."

He regards her gently. "I really am sorry," he says.

"I know. Thanks." She hasn't even closed the door when Cho arrives. He touches her cheek briefly before hugging her.

"I'm sorry," he says simply. She manages a faint smile as she leads the way to the living room. Rigsby strides over to Jane and shakes his hand, clapping him on the shoulder.

"I'm sorry, man," he says.

"Me, too," Cho adds.

After telling them to make themselves at home, Lisbon slips into the kitchen to work on dinner. She's chopping tomatoes for the salad when the doorbell rings. A moment later, Grace is beside her, leaning on the counter.

"Hey," she greets, lowering her knife.

"Hi. Can I help with anything?"

Lisbon shakes her head. "Go on into the living room with the guys."

In response, Grace pops a piece of tomato into her mouth. "I'd rather stay here," she says. "I think they're having some kind of male-bonding."

Lisbon chuckles, reaching for a cucumber.

"Besides," Grace continues. "I wanted to see how you were."

"I'm okay," Lisbon says. At Grace's raised eyebrow, she smiles slightly. "Really. I'm a lot better. Thank you." She doesn't just mean for asking and Grace nods knowingly, squeezing her arm.

"So," she says brightly. "How can I help?"

"Well, if you insist, the garlic bread should come out of the oven. And the pasta's probably about ready. Serving dishes are behind you."

Working together, they finish preparing dinner and set the table before calling the guys in.

"So, you're coming back to work tomorrow, boss?" Rigsby asks as he helps himself to some salad.

Lisbon nods.

"You could wait until next week if you wanted," Grace comments.

"Absolutely," Cho agrees.

Lisbon shakes her head. "I'm ready to come back," she says. Silence falls before Rigsby speaks up again, sounding tentative.

"You guys will let us know if there's anything we can do, right?"

"We will," Lisbon promises.

"Besides," Jane adds. "You're already doing it."

Lisbon nods, managing a smile to show them they're sincere. Silence falls again and Rigsby twirls some pasta around his fork.

"This is really good boss," he says. "I didn't know you could cook."

"I taught her everything she knows," Jane boasts.

"Did not," Lisbon retorts, causing everyone to laugh.

And, just like that, things feel just a little more normal.

Ooo

After their friends are gone for the night, Lisbon and Jane crawl into bed. She curls against his chest, tangling her legs with his.

"I love you," he says, stroking her hair. "You know that, right?"

She nods against his shirt, unable to meet his gaze. His arms tighten around her.

"Teresa," he says firmly. "I love you. What we're going through right now is awful. But we'll get through it. We'll be okay."

"I'm sorry," she blurts out in response. "I'm really, really sorry."

He is silent for a moment and her chest tightens painfully.

"You've been blaming yourself," he says finally. "That's what's been going on. That's why you wouldn't talk to me."

She doesn't respond and he takes her silence for a 'yes.'

"This is a Rachel-thing," he continues, sounding slightly incredulous. "This is another of those not measuring up things." His voice has an edge of bitterness that makes her cringe. "Why can't you trust me?" he asks.

"It's not you that I doubt," she says softly. "She gave you a baby. I couldn't."

He kisses her forehead. "Teresa," he murmurs. "I don't care if we have a hundred children or none at all. I love _you._ You're enough for me."

"You're enough for me, too," she says.

He wipes a few tears from her cheeks (_she didn't even realize she was crying_).

"We can do this," he says. "We're going to be okay."

Xxx

**A/N 2 : Depressing chapter but I hope the end is maybe a little uplifting. I have ideas for the next chapter. We'll see how fast I write it.**

**Reviews make my day.**


	11. Fall Away

**A/N: Sorry for the delay! Writer's block :(**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Mentalist. Title and lyrics by The Fray**

**Xxx**

Chapter 11: Fall Away

_You fall away from your past_

_But it's following you…_

_xxx_

Things go back to normal as, from Lisbon's experience, they usually do after a life-altering event. You can only mourn for so long. Then life shifts back into its normal patterns. It has to. She _needs_ it to.

She's cried her tears (again and again), she's had follow-up appointments with the doctor (they can try again in a few months if they want), and she's called Jason and Bryan to tell them what happened (they both sent flowers). Now it's time to move on.

Nearly two months after her miscarriage, she is sitting in her office, filling out paperwork when her phone rings.

"Lisbon," she says.

"Tessa?"

She gets up and closes her door. "Tommy? What do you need? Why are you calling?" After their last encounter she isn't especially (_at all_) anxious to talk to him again.

"I need you to come see me," he says. "I really need to talk to you."

"We can talk now," she says.

"No. I need to see you."

She frowns. "Tommy…"

"Please, Tessa." He sounds desperate and she hears herself agree (he's still her brother after all).

"Tomorrow," she says. "I'll come tomorrow."

ooo

Jane is (unsurprisingly) against it from the start.

"Absolutely not. What is the purpose of seeing him except to cause you pain?"

She sighs. "He's my brother. No matter what he does I'll always love him."

"I'm going with you," he says. She shakes her head.

"Cho's coming along." She's afraid of what Jane will do or say to her brother. "Please just let me have this, okay? Don't push," she begs.

He kisses her forehead lightly. "Okay," he agrees, abandoning his usual stubbornness (for once). "I'll stay behind."

Ooo

As they pull up to the prison the following day, Cho gives his boss a worried look. The blatant concern in his eyes is uncharacteristic and it throws her off balance.

"You sure you're up for this?" he asks. "I can go in and see him. Find out what he wants."

"I'll go," she says. "He asked to see me, not a proxy."

Cho looks unsure but nods. By flashing their badges they are allowed inside with little hassle and are taken to a public meeting room where Tommy is waiting. He gets up when he sees them.

"Hey, Tess," he says. "Thanks for coming." He looks her up and down. "You don't look pregnant. Jason said you were."

She cringes. Moving on, she's discovering all over again, doesn't take away the pain. Not all of it, at least.

"I had a miscarriage," she says with as little emotion as possible. (Which, admittedly, is still too much.) His eyes widen slightly.

"When?"

"About eight weeks ago." She sinks into a chair, eager to change the subject. "So, what did you want?"

He's still staring at her. "I'm sorry about your baby," he says.

"Thanks. Why did you ask me here?" She wants to stay on topic and get as far away from the jail as she can as soon as humanly possible.

"I want out of here," he says. "A different jail, something. I can't be here."

"Why?" she asks, humoring him (though she has _no_ intention of giving in to his demands).

"I can't tell you."

"Then I can't help you." She crosses her arms. "You're in prison for a reason, Tommy."

"And you're in law enforcement," he snaps. "I _know_ you could use your influence to get me a lighter sentence, move me someplace else, _something._"

"Why should I?" she asks reasonably. "You won't even tell me why. You committed a crime, Tommy. And I believe in _punishing_ criminals."

He scowls. "You really can't let it go, can you? You have to keep punishing me for _everything_." Anger is building on his face and she cringes. "What happened to you sucked, yeah. It's really awful. But that wasn't my fault."

"I know it wasn't," she says, ignoring the way Cho stiffens beside her. "That's not what this is about."

"Of course it is," he growls. "That's exactly what this is about. You're punishing me for the past. For getting into trouble. You blame me because we were in foster care. And you hate me because I'm a rapist like your foster father."

Cho looks about to speak up but Lisbon presses a hand on his arm, silencing him.

"That has nothing to do with this," she reiterates. "And I don't hate you."

"Oh, please, Teresa," her brother says scornfully. "You've hated me for years. You're bitter and you blame me for god knows what. But, hey. I didn't ask you to take the fall for me with dad. I didn't ask you to take most of the hits. I didn't even ask you to file for emancipation when he died."

"Yet you blamed me when I didn't get it," she reminds him. Tears are pricking at her eyes but she won't (cannot, _refuses to_) let them fall.

His face is taut with barely controlled fury. "You're such a hypocrite," he seethes. "You can't let anything go. It's probably good you didn't become someone's mom."

The tears are pressing harder now. Cho stands up and refuses to be silenced this time.

"That's it," he says. "We're going."

"But…" Tommy begins.

"No," Cho cuts in sharply. "We're done here."

"Tessa," Tommy begs. "Please help me."

She shakes her head. "You're on your own, Tommy," she says. "I love you. But I can't help you."

She has to get out before she cries. She won't let him see her break down. Before her brother can say more, Cho takes her arm and starts to pull her out the door. But after only a few steps, he stops.

"You don't know your sister at all," he says. "She's a great agent. She's compassionate. And she would've been an _excellent_ mom. And someday, I think she _will_."

With that, he guides Lisbon out, not waiting for Tommy's response.

At the car she sags, letting out a shuddering breath.

"You okay?" Cho asks.

She shrugs wearily.

"I'm sorry," he offers. "I never should've let him get that far."

"Not your fault," she assures him.

"The stuff he said…Try not to let it get to you."

She laughs bitterly. "But some of it is true. I did blame him. I did fail him."

"You blame yourself for how Tommy turned out," Cho realizes. He smiles sadly. "Lisbon, take it from someone who knows. When kids get in trouble…sometimes it might be the environment. But a lot of times they do it all on their own. My parents were loving and supportive and in my life. And I was in a gang. I could've ended up way worse off than Tommy."

Lisbon wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. "I could've done better with him. He was just a kid and I could've done better."

"_You_ were a kid," Cho reminds her. "You did your best. And you're doing the right thing now." He squeezes her hand in an uncharacteristic gesture. "It's almost noon," he says. "Let me buy you some lunch."

She smiles faintly, nodding her head. "That'd be really nice," she says.

Ooo

When they get back to the CBI, Jane is waiting for them lounging on the couch (his old stomping grounds). He jumps up as soon as he sees them and runs to Lisbon's side.

"How'd it go?" he demands. "Are you okay?"

"He wanted me to get him out," she says. "It got a little ugly. Cho can give you the play by play."

She lets him kiss her briefly before slipping into her office. She isn't surprised when Grace trails after her.

"How bad?" the redheaded agent wants to know.

"Pretty bad. He blames me for a lot of stuff. He's angry. And he thinks I don't want to help him because I'm bitter."

"I'm sorry," Grace sympathizes.

"He said I would've been a bad mother," Lisbon murmurs.

"Oh, Lisbon," Grace sighs. "That's not true."

Lisbon shrugs. "I was a bad mother to him."

"You're not his mother," Grace reminds her. "You're his sister and you did the best you could." She reaches out and squeezes Lisbon's hand. "Do you want me to go?" she asks.

Lisbon shakes her head. "Stay. Please." She feels like the words have been dragged from her and Grace (wisely) does not comment. She simply moves to the couch and motions for Lisbon to join her. They sit in silence until Jane walks in.

"I'm taking you home," he announces. "Hightower's already okayed it."

Wordlessly she gets up and begins gathering her things. With Jane, it is usually futile to argue. Besides, she wants to go home and escape from prying eyes and sympathetic looks.

Her team sends her off without much fanfare, telling her they'll call her if they get a case and that they can make sure Tommy can't contact her again if she wants. She tells them she'll think about it, says goodbye, and follows Jane to the elevator.

Once they are alone and descending to the ground floor, he reaches for her, stroking her hair back from her face.

"I'm sorry, love," he says.

"Yeah," she says. "I know."

Xxx

A week later she gets home from work to find him staring intently at his laptop.

"What are you doing?" she asks, setting down her purse. He looks up at her and grins, his expression childlike (he is _definitely_ up to something).

"Researching dog breeds," he says proudly. "You _said_ we could get a puppy."

To be honest, she's forgotten about the matter entirely. Until now. Sighing, she sinks down beside him on the couch.

"I did," she admits. "We got sidetracked." She doesn't mention that delaying the dog was because of the baby. She doesn't have to. His expression softens and he slides his hand into hers.

"I'm not proposing we forget what happened and go back to the original plan. You know that," he says. "But maybe this can be a way of moving forward."

She considers this for a long moment before nodding.

"Okay," she agrees. "But I get to name it."

Xxx

**A/N 2: I hope I'll have the next chapter up faster. I'm having a little trouble deciding where I want this to go.**


	12. Corner of Your Heart

**A/N: Millions of apologies for the ridiculous delay on this one. I hope some of you are still with me! I've been busy with a new job and this story is giving me major writers' block.**

**Oh, and just an fyi, this story is somewhat AU now, obviously with season 3. For example, we now know the names of Jane's wife and daughter. However, I'd already invented names which I will keep.**

**Disclaimer: I didn't gain ownership of **_**The Mentalist**_** in my absence. Chapter title and lyrics by Ingrid Michaelson. **

Chapter 12: Corner of Your Heart

_There's a corner of your heart just for me.  
I will pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart._

The puppy's name is Daisy. She is a nine-week-old yellow lab and she has more energy than Lisbon (_ever_) thought possible. She's incredibly lucky she's cute because she gets into more trouble than even Jane can manage.

"I swear," she says to Grace one warm Saturday afternoon as they play with Daisy in the backyard. "I'm going to _kill_ Patrick for talking me into this."

"But she's cute," Grace protests as the hyperactive dog nips at her fingers waiting eagerly for her to throw an already mangled (soggy, slobber-covered, _disgusting_) tennis ball.

"Too cute for her own good," Lisbon grumbles. But she smiles in spite of herself. Daisy _is_ cute and she's already become a much-loved companion.

"Puppies always are," Grace says. "Must be a survival thing."

"Must be." Lisbon reaches out and scratches the puppy behind the ears. "Yeah, girl," she says. "I guess we'll keep you."

Daisy barks happily and runs around in a circle before tripping over her own feet. Grace laughs.

"I think she's saying thank you," she says.

"Thanks, Dr. Doolittle," Lisbon teases. "Anyway, do you want to stay for dinner? We can probably talk Patrick into cooking."

"Can't," Grace says, getting to her feet. "I have a date."

"A _date_?" Lisbon echoes. "With who?"

"A guy I met at the gym. His name's James." Grace blushes slightly. "We're just going to dinner and maybe a movie." She shrugs. "It's probably nothing much."

Lisbon gets up also and smiles (_she hopes_) encouragingly. "Just relax and have fun," she says. "And let me know how it goes!" She can't help but marvel at how things have changed. Not so long ago her coworkers knew nothing about her personal life and she knew nothing about theirs. Now she's hoping for details on Grace's dates.

"Will do," Grace promises. "Keep in mind though, if it goes badly, you might be getting a call _tonight._"

"Duly noted. Now go. Have fun."

Grace smiles, bends over to pat Daisy, and heads off. Lisbon settles back in the grass, keeping an eye on her troublesome charge as she lounges in the sun. She jumps slightly when Jane appears a moment later, sitting behind her and wrapping both arms around her.

"Grace go?" he asks. She nods.

"She had a date," she reports.

"Guy from the gym?" he asks. She nods, not bothering to ask how he knew that. It's better (she's learned) to be in the dark sometimes.

"Yeah. James something," she tells him.

"That's good." He drops a kiss on her neck. "We could go on a date of our own," he offers.

"Is it terribly boring of me to want to stay in?" she asks. He chuckles.

"Just a little. But that sounds good. I'll make fettuccini."

"Mmm," she sighs. "I knew there was a reason I married you."

"Totally," he agrees. "I'm really hot."

Xxx

They're making popcorn and arguing over what movie to watch when the doorbell rings. With a happily barking Daisy at her heels, Lisbon runs to answer it. She's surprised to see a sheepish (and, admittedly, upset) looking Grace on the stoop.

"Grace!" she says. "I thought you were on a date."

"I was. It was a disaster."

"Well come in," Lisbon says hurriedly. "We were just about to watch a movie."

Grace looks instantly contrite. "I'm interrupting your evening," she says. "I'll go…"

"Nonsense," Jane cuts in, coming up behind Lisbon (he can be so sneaky and _spooky_ like that). "We'd love to have you join us. I'm even making my specialty popcorn."

"That _is_ good popcorn," Grace says slowly. Lisbon laughs and tugs her inside.

"We'll let him get the snacks and you can give a quick rundown of the awful date while we pick a movie," she says. She gives her husband a look that means _scram; now._

In the living room, the two women settle in front of the DVD case and peruse the selection.

"So. What happened?" Lisbon wants to know. Grace sighs.

"First," she says, "he started making cracks about my job. He was totally sexist! A complete pig."

Lisbon cringes. She's encountered such attitudes herself and, to be frank, they piss her off. It's been awhile since one of those nightmare dates but she remembers them all too clearly.

"He basically implied that I'm all looks and no brains and that there's no way I could be a good agent. He suggested that I got hired on sex appeal," Grace continues angrily.

"Which is _not_ true," Lisbon cuts in.

"How do you know?" Grace asks. "I wasn't exactly experienced when I joined the team."

"True. But I had a say in who joined the team. I picked you," Lisbon reasons. "Don't let that loser make you doubt yourself."

Grace looks surprised at the idea of her boss _choosing_ her but she continues. "_Then_," she says, "he had the nerve to suggest we skip the movie and just head to his place to…you know…" She trails off, blushing.

"Ass," Lisbon declares. "Please tell me you told him to take a hike."

"I told him to screw himself. He tried to put the moves on me but I slapped him and hailed a cab home. Then I came here." Grace blushes again. "I probably shouldn't have bothered you…"

Lisbon rolls her eyes. "It's no bother. I told you to tell me about the date. And as disasters go, it was the real deal." She squeezes her friend's arm. "Don't listen to the bastard. He's a moron."

"Agreed," Jane says, striding in with popcorn. "What did the moron do, exactly?"

Grace gives him a quick synopsis. At the end, he is scowling.

"What a loser," he says. "Lisbon's right, Grace. Don't listen to him. You _are_ beautiful. But you're brilliant, too. The guy's an ass."

"Exactly," Lisbon agrees. "Now. Let's watch a movie." She holds up their selection.

"_Star Wars,_" Jane says. "Really?"

"Really," the girls chorus. They settle in to watch, munching on popcorn. As the movie begins, Jane looks thoughtful.

"You know," he says. "The Force is kind of like being a Mentalist. Maybe I can be the next Luke Skywalker."

Lisbon throws a piece of popcorn at him. "Shut up and watch the movie," she says. After waiting a beat, she adds, "Besides. No one would let you _near_ a light saber."

Xxx

A week later Lisbon and Jane get _their_ date. They leave Daisy in Grace's care and he takes her to a low-key but nice restaurant on the coast.

"This is nice," she observes, tucking herself under his arm as they walk along the beach after dinner.

He pulls her closer to him. "It is," he agrees. "It's nice just being us. No house, no dog, no friends, no work."

"Just Lisbon and Jane," she muses. It's slightly amazing, really. It wasn't so long ago that she never (_in a million years_) thought she'd have this, no matter how much she (hopelessly, _desperately_) wanted it.

But here she is. Here _they _are.

"I wish I could ask you to marry me again," he said abruptly. Confused, she looks up at him.

"_What_?" she asks, wrinkling her nose.

"I want to do something super romantic right now to show you how much I love you," he explains. "But we're already married so proposing is out. And I'm fairly sure you won't go for hot, nasty sex on the beach."

"Good call," she praises dryly. "But really. When have I needed romantic gestures?"

"Never," he admits. "Which is good because I appear to be losing my touch."

She laughs softly, winding both arms around his middle so she can lean against his chest. "Trust me," she says, "you were never as suave as you thought you were."

"Deny it all you want my dear," he replies easily. "I can see right through you."

Xxx

**A/N2: Bad, bad, baaaaaad chapter. I just wanted some filler so I can figure out what to do next. Many apologies for a long delay followed by utter crap. :(**


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